Coleslaw, beetroot and Mcdonalds

“Life is like swimming; 1^st you put on a speedo then”… alright alright alright it’s not done yet but I’m sure all of you can see I am onto something deep here Gandhi type of philosophy. While I ponder the ending to my Gandhi inspired quote here is a little something to tickle your brains and make you throw ice cubes at the sun in anger.

Now I like Lindiwe Mazibuko I think she’s a fat bitch who needs to lay off the MacDonald’s and hit the gym for a few months very learned politician with a big belly I mean bright future. In fact unless she decides to be the lead actress for “Big Girls Gone Even Bigger: the porn parody” she will most likely take over from madam Helen Zille as the president of the Democratic Alliance, but then again she does look like Zuma’s type so you never know what could happen papa Jacob is always looking for a new bride to add to his LARGE collection (pun intended).  2 weeks ago she confronted the president on the Nkandla palace shenanigans, which is fine it would be weird if she didn’t, but god dammit did her parents not teach her how to speak to adults? My mother would drag me back home kicking and screaming from parliament to give me a good spanking if she saw me speak to a man 30years my senior like Lindi did 2 weeks ago but then again my mother wouldn’t let me eat as a hobby either. I guess people are different it’s nice to see that the opposition isn’t just letting this Nkandla thing go though we need more people to ask the correct questions that public needs answered as long as those questions are asked in an appropriate way. P.S I still think all politicians are rotten scum who just want to get paid and fuck the rest of us over.

Definitely his type 

other wives

A couple of months ago I wrote a blog aboutwrestling matches and speedos well the time for the big fight is almost upon us. WE are going to manguang soon. Zuma will probably take the top position and Cyril will be his deputy. I would have liked to see Motlante retain his position or become president but let’s be honest with ourselves there’s a better chance of winning a game of spot the virgin in a whore house than that happening which is a pity he seems like the one guy with a cool head in the ANC. The one positive thing that will come out of this conference is that it will be the end of Tokyo “Money in my studio” Sexwale. His ability as a business man admirable but as a minister he has failed and his alliance with Juju...well need I say more? How I wish we could just throw all of them in a boxing ring (why are they called rings when they are actually squares?) and make them battle it out for the top positions with a fight to the death, this could work beautifully in South Africa because unlike the United States our politicians aren’t intelligent enough to hold debatesL.    

Right that’s all for you lot today don’t know when I will be back here again as I am busy working at a construction site so merry Christmas and all that other cliché stuff I hope my white friends enjoy their gifts and getaways to fancy places and black people well you know the usual drill coleslaw, beetroot, homemade fried chicken, homemade custard and jelly with ice cream for dessert is all you are getting on the 25^th, just make sure you exercise afterwards don’t wanna be looking like old Lindi Mazimazi.

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#WhatYouCouldDoWith203M

You are sitting at home watching an episode of Ed, Edd and Eddy to a bowl of coco pops and banana juice wearing your favorite Pinky and the Brain boxers. All of a sudden a R203 million cheque flies in from the heavens through your window because god loves you and wants you to build a mansion in your rural home be happy.

 #WhatCouldYouDoWith203M lets crunch the numbers you know because we all just love our calculators and doing math. A decent primary school costs about R7000 a year multiply that by 7 years and you get 49k. A top of the range semi-private school (e.g. Glenwood, Westville, DHS) costs about 40K a year using a lot of complicated logarithms and computational mathematics you get 200k for a total of 5 years. The top university in Africa costs about 92K a year for the average student (including a decent laptop, printing fees, internet etc.) multiply that by 4 for the average degree and you get 368k. This all yields a total of around 620k. What do all these numbers mean? It means for the same amount of tax payers money used to build the presidential cunt’s royal home I could take 330 students and give them the very best education this country has to offer at no cost to the parents. It means I could fund 330 new engineers for the country or 330 new accountants or 330 new physicists…you get the point.

#WhatElseCouldIDoWith203M Poverty: a chicken and mayo sandwich costs around R14 add in a small fruit juice for R7. Now hungry people love chicken and mayo sandwiches with banana juice, because we love hungry people so much we are going to buy them more chicken at nandos for dinner quarter chicken and chips special for R36. Since we are busy giving these hungry bustards free lunch and dinner lets give them a box of coco pops and milk for breakfast as well at a combined R50.  What this means is I could give 1897196 hungry people good food for a day (top of the range good food at that) 

What is the point of all these numbers? Simple the president is fucking us! He might as well walk into our houses with baby oil and durex lub bend us over and hook us up from behind! R203 mill? Wait let me rewrite that for you R203 000 000! R203x10⁶! I could pay for a lot of lap dances for my friend who loves strippers with that kind of tax payer’s money. I could pay for a life’s time subscription to Ed, Edd and Eddy comic books (doesn’t the president know Ed, Edd and Eddy is the absolute shit!).

The excuse given by Mac Maharaj the president’s official bitch spokesman was that its necessary for the presidents visitors and a lot of other nonsense. Which brings me to my next point why don’t we have our equivalent of the white house? If every president who comes in decides to build a R203 000 000 mansion when they take over we are in for a serious screwing over. Let’s build one house owned by the state where the guy stays and conducts all his presidential screwing over business while he is president, as soon as his term is over we send him back to where ever he came from in a taxi and let the next guy move in.

A word to you Mr. President next time you decide to spend so much of our money on yourself how about you buy us some red wine and dinner you know because we all like to get wined and dined before we get fucked!

Follow me on twitter The_Don_maphz 

VERY STRONG LANGUAGE 35L

Rick Ross is a fat bastard. Usain Bolt is a talented arrogant prick with long legs.  Kim Kardashian is a hoe. Donald Trump is a dick and Piers Morgan needs to stop PMSing over Robin Van Pussy/Pursy Persie joining the red half of Manchester (insert joke about money grabbing scum claiming to be moving for ambition here). You don’t have to agree with anything I write here this is after all my blog and not yours if you want your own blog they are free to make fuck off and go make one. Now onto the reason for this post a list of the top ten inhabitants of cuntingville according to me the owner of this blog.

10. Coming in at number 10 we have the idiots who support that red team from Manchester with the purple nosed manager who British people seem to call sir unless that Scottish red faced clown named ferguson taught me in high school without my knowledge I have no reason to call him sir! Anyway “Men United” has arguably the most annoying, bias, loud and retarded fans in sport testimony to that is the fact that most of them still believe David Beckham still plays for them, but then again anybody who finds anything honorable in a guy who had an affair with his brother’s wife is a cunt!

9. Barak Obama fuck him glorified black man who hasn’t done shit since he got into office now I am all for black power and all that other revolutionary shit but really how is this guy different to Bush? 3^rd world countries are rich places abundant in resources but plutocracies run by people like Obama and Bush are the reason people are still hungry all over the world did I mention how they killed Gaddafi for oil and yet let other goons like Mugabe do as they please simply because they have no resources for them to take over? Fuck him!

8. John Terry: racist scum bag chowed his team mates girlfriend! Fuck him!

7. The Kardashians their rise to fame is based on one of them making a sex tape with a one hit wonder RnB singer. Somebody explain to me what exactly they are still doing on tv? Watching bees pollinate sunflowers is more entertaining than keeping up with the Cunt-ashians.

6. Dolphins and Unicorns yes I know they aren’t people but really we all know they are just gay sharks and gay rhinos. Oh yeah you could add in butterflies there as well gay colorful moths who like roses and sunlight. Fuck them!

5.The South African police when gunmen with actual guns and serious weapons are robbing banks they are nowhere to be found but when a couple of innocents are striking for an increase in wages oh no they get serious and pull out bazookas and rocket launchers to calm them down absolute cuntary!

4. Male Porn actors you really wanna ruin that beautifuls girl face by busting off on her face? Really you can’t put that shit on her stomach or anywhere else?  But I guess you are teaching kids how to prevent teenage pregnancies instead of leaving a mess inside her leave that shit on her face!!

3. Flamboyant gay people I don’t have an issue with people who like pipes up their behind but when you walk around in hot pants and pink umbrellas wearing a shirt with a knot exposing your belly button then we have an issue. It’s not like you see straight people walking around screaming around at everybody about how proud they are of being straight do you? We get it you like the bugga-bugga from behind no need to let us know! DICKS!!

2.   Internet thugs/gangsters/bad-ass-motherfuckers/boxers/kick-boxers. You give a lad a computer and an internet connection and all of a sudden he turns into Brock Lesner or Manny Pacquio they are everywhere news websites, blogs, facebook everywhere! We all know you are a 13 year old who jerks off to Paris Hilton sex tapes internet thugs we see you!

1. Which brings us to number 1 I thought about this for 3 whole minutes before I decided on who takes the title as president of Cuntigville and when I thought about it only one group could really take it…JESUS FREAKS( a term used to describe condescending Christian people who walk around judging everybody and convincing why their shit is right and everybody besides them is going to hell and it is wrong to judge people) . Now I don’t have an issue with religious people I love Muslim people I love Buddists I even love Christians and Jews , but jesus freaks fuck them! Eid Mubarak is happening muslim people are celebrating and enjoying it by themselves not bothering anyone. Diwali will come the samething will happen bar there will be fireworks, wait till Christmas comes the jesus freaks will be out in full foprce telling me us jesus died on water and walked on caves and I am going to hell because I judge couldn’t be bothered by what they believe in if you wanna believe in that stuff it’s cool nobody cares but as soon as you are trying to convince everybody you are right that’s when we have problems I don’t walk around forcing my beliefs on you! Imagine what the world would be like if everybody went around forcing each other to believe in stuff there weren’t interested in.  Take a note from all the other religions (or even some Christians) Jesus freaks get on with your shit and leave everybody else out of it…until then fuck all of you cunts!!

A bit of random ramble

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Hips that don't lie

The beauty of being your own boss is that you get to work when you want. That sort of explains why I haven’t been on here in a while. Of course there are other reasons like the fact that I was celebrating the elimination of England from the Euros and writing a petition to have Pier Spies banned from all contact sports but then I stopped half way because I realized nothing would make him happier because contrary to popular belief Pier Spies is in fact a belay dancer who doesn’t like taking contact, and nothing would make him happier than being banned from all contact forever. To those who don’t know nothing grates my nipples more than happy blue bulls.

Onto matters football Euro 2012 comes to an end tonight and I for one am glad to see the back of it. The last 3 international tournaments have proven one thing; international football is shit and boring. My time would be much better spent poking darts at Peter Devillers or watching a wrestling match between Mr. Chinwag from kideo and Barney the purple dinosaur. I thought of a way internation tournaments can be improved; each time a goal is scored a flame throwing dragon can be released into the pitch to gallop one of the opposition’s players, with the large number of cunts present at international tournaments ( Nani, John Terry, Samir Nasri, Arjen Robben. Busquets) this system would at least rid the world of some cuntary. The site of Gerad Pique being swallowed by a dragon with millions of viewers across the world watching would surely please every straight man out there. Not only would we never have to see his tall self ever again but we would all get a shot at Shakira (runs off to bathroom to play with himself at the thought of the waka waka video) because every man wants hips that don’t lie.

Bitches, pimps and hoes some good news for all of you SAV001 a HIV prevention vaccine has been approved for human testing. They are basically going to inject you with dead HIV and before you all start throwing your toys and destroying shit around you that’s how all vaccines work. Which makes sense if you were thinking about becoming a serial killer the last thing you would want to do is walk into a room full of dead people because there’s nobody to kill there (I should consider a career in making up analogies). What this means is that everybody can start fucking everybody and there’ll be less grumpy people walking around. Mondays will no longer be blue, teachers will stop giving out detention slips and Professors will stop setting hard exams simply to fuck with us (figuratively that is we don’t really engage in intercourse with Professors well at least I don’t). Basically the world will be better if the fight against aids is won and prostitutes can go about doing their work more freely knowing the pimps won’t fire them for catching aids (we should always think about the economy). Lets all hope this vaccine does in fact work as it will greatly improve the pimp-hoe sector of the economy.

South Africa now has a new police commissioner Mangwashi Victoria “Riah” Phiyega. For fuck sakes can somebody sort out her hairline!

Fllow me on Twitter @The_Don_maphz

24 Hour Porn Marathon

Today is a Sunday I know this because yesterday was a Saturday and tomorrow is a Monday. I have no issue with Mondays but tomorrow is a special Monday one which will be removed from my memory before it even happens, unless a huge comet hits Poland and Ukraine, and wipes out everything John Terry and Samir Nasri. France play England at Euro2012 tomorrow in a match involving two of the biggest douche-bags in world football I think I will be supporting the ref unless if the ref is Howard Webb which will lead to me admiring the greenness of the grass and blueness of the sky.

It’s been a while since I was here and a lot has happened since then. A hundred and nine, nine year olds got pregnant (do not ask him how because not even the smartest politician could tell you how that is possible), the fat lady who works for the DA told Zuma to quit, Bheki Cele was officially fired and John Terry was arrested for racism and inducted into the Adolf Hitler hall of fame for being a cunt and racist. The award involves being poked with needles every minute of the day (wishful thinking I know but you never know weirder things have happened). As for the 9 year olds who are getting pregnant one can only presume they are getting raped because clearly they aren’t old enough to know what the booga-booga is. Here is an idea to fight unemployment let’s take all uneducated people and teach them how to dig holes and throw everybody who is turned on by babies inside, we can call the project “Holes for Dicks.” We can dig all this holes in Limpopo it is a bit of a useless province anyway considering the only thing that’s ever come out of there is Julius. Unemployment solved. No more pregnant babies. Limpopo actually contributes (if I carry on providing solutions like this all of you should really consider making me president).

As for Lindi attacking Zuma honestly this feud between the DA is played out I personally am bored of it. It was entertaining in the beginning when we all thought it would end up with Zuma and The madam hooking up but now it’s just boring. It’s kind of like having a 24 hour porn marathon with your mates it would be entertaining for the first hour maybe after that you would get sick of it unless of course you are a sick individual in which case you probably belong in a hole in Limpopo. If these two clowns really cared about the everyday man they would work together until election time instead of arguing about what after shave Helen should use or which hair products Zuma doesn’t use.

The Springbulls played their 1^st match under Heineken Meyer yesterday. They won and to everybody’s surprise they weren’t wearing pink. Zane Kirchner is still very good at playing touch rugby instead of tackle, Pier Spies is still a passenger, Bryan Habana is still the best wing in this country, John Terry is still a cunt who fucks team mates wives and hates black people and the pomies still can’t win a game against the bulls boks.      

That's all for this week lads because I have a twitter account and a facebook profile I now have the right to be a philosopher so here is a little quote I read somewhere earlier in the week

"Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition man is the only being who knows he is alone"- Octavio Paz. hence why we can dig holes and throw rapist insides so they can spend eternity in misery alone.

Follow me on twitter The_Don_maphz  

Secrets to the Universe and surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

The buzz in the scientific world at the moment seems to be all about ‘dark matter’. It makes up three quarters of our universe. Or is it a quarter? Or is it two thirds? Flip I don’t know, there seem to be a lot of varying opinions on the matter. All I know is that it’s there and scientists are super interested in it. It’s meant to hold the secrets to our universe or something. They’ve even gone and built labs kilometres under the ground to study the stuff. There’s one in Antarctica and one in the States.

What I want to know is what we’re going to do when we know all the secrets to the universe. How will we even know once we’ve discovered them? How will we know that there isn’t more to be learnt? To me it’s a power trip. The Americans want to know what it’s all about before the Russians or the Chinese find out so that they can rub it in their faces. It’s not as if us, the public, will know about it once they’re discovered. All these secrets will be kept locked away by the government of whatever nation happens to discover them and this will simply lead to another war. The war for information. This shit is dumb. And unfair. I mean sure, we’re not working on discovering them but we still have the right to know. Fuck the privileged. I say we’re all equally privileged to live on this earth, we’re all human. What makes the Chinese super scientist any more suitable to knowing the secrets than the monstrously large Russian boxer. I rate that boxer should just get angry, fly over to the land of the little people and punch the shit out of them all. I’m getting carried away here. The point is....

What was the point again? Oh yes, I’m excited to see what secrets this dark matter holds and how it will benefit us. Who knows, maybe it will help create perpetual energy and the world can just develop to the point where we explode in on ourselves. The evolved few by that time, no doubt South Africans, because we’re fucking kief bru (I’ve got no better reason than that, BIG UPS to all my SOUTH AFRICAN READERS) will be intergalactic rulers of outer space.

So some dude in America got out of bed one morning and decided to go eat a hobo’s face off. Nice. You know what this means right. It’s the start of the zombie apocalypse. He started at the face only to get to the brain. He did quite well actually, managing to consume an ear, eyes and the man’s nose. He might be the first but there are many to follow. I have decided to compile a list of useful weapons when defending yourself against the brain eating scum.

Weapon	Pros	Cons
10 – Baseball bat	Powerful, easily accessible.	Close range.
9 – Golf clubs	Powerful, easily accessible better range than a baseball bat.	It’s still pretty close range
8 - Javelin	Sharp point will impale zombies from a great distance.	Difficult to access and hard to master the throwing technique.
7 - Crossbow	Powerful, accurate, long range weapon.	Difficult to access, long reload.
6 – Shot gun	Powerful, can kill more than one zombie at a time.	Close range, lengthy reload time.
5 – Hand Gun	Powerful, accurate, long range.	You will need to reload your cartridge relatively frequently.
4 – Sniper Rifle	Long range, accurate.	Difficult to access, need to be elevated for best effects.
3 – RPG	Long range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access. Long reload time.
2 - Grenades	Mid range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access.
1 – Steam roller	You are elevated from attack  and able to kill multiple slow moving zombies at once. It might be a good idea to fit the sides with plexiglass if you find time, to prevent the zombies from getting to you but to still be able to see them. If you can get this done you have an ultimate fighting weapon.	Slow moving, although you could always get out and run.

To end off, my top zombie fighting tip is to always have a backup plan, and then a backup plan to that backup plan. You should also start developing a backup plan to your backup plan when you you use your backup plan. In short, always have two backup plans available.

I look forward to joining you all in our imminent fight against the zombies. If you would like to discuss strategies or team formation don’t hesitate to comment or contact me via email. Best of luck to you all.

The Legend of Sir Humpalot and Naked female Ninjas

“A valiant knight once lived in the dark ages. Motivated by his need for knowledge in martial arts, the sciences and the opposite sex, the brave knight Sir Humpalot sailed from his homeland to take on his biggest challenge yet, the quest to understand women. The brave knight Sir Humpalot arrived in the foreign lands of South Africa after 6000 years on intense sailing abroad the “Booga-Booga 104.” Sir Humpalot known in his homeland for bravery and courage decided do an experiment. He walked up to the Casanova of South Africa (a round looking man with a belly and no hair known only as “The Spear”) and said to him “how art thou on this fine day old pimp” The Spear replied and light conversation followed. Feeling brave and smarter with the wisdom he had gained from The Spear, Sir Humpalot spurred on by his need for knowledge and understanding decided to do the same act with the local strumpets he embarked on a journey to find the sluttiest of them all and upon finding her walked up to her and in a moment of complete braveness or stupidity he uttered the words “ how art thou on this fine day young whore?” she transformed into a naked ninja beat him until the valiant knight Sir Humpalot was no more.”

 Legend has it men have not tried to understand women since the fall of Sir Humpalot and for good reason! I don’t want to be on the wrong side of a naked ninja beating (they do that trust me just you make one mad enough they turn into naked ninjas!) I mean what am I compared to the legendary Sir Humpalot? You will not win why would you try to understand a species that has convinced themselves over 100s of years that painting their nails a different color enhances their looks in anyway?

I had an interesting dream last night in which I was being chased down by 2 angry monsters for no reason. I could have taken them on using my super strength but why would I want to mess up such good looks on fighting monsters (I’m lying I was scared so I ran). The terrible twin monsters were furious and I was destined to meet my demise as I was about to get caught by the angry monster out came a hero from nowhere the public protector Thuli Madonsela (because angry women turn into ninjas) she super kicked the green and red monster away. The monsters aggrieved with fury went and fetched the ultimate monster their father Bheki Cele. The ultimate monster walked up to me with his stomach in and chest out but he too was no match for the naked ninja Thuli. After being battered and beaten by the ninja the monsters finally ran away and were never seen again. At which point I woke up and realized my dream wasn’t completely a dream but had a bit of reality in it. Thuli is finally winning against bheki Cele with the suspened police commissioner likely to be fired soon. The greatest revelation of my dream though was the fact that Shrek and Rooney (the dreadful monsters) are actually brothers and Bheki Cele is their father!

SKA is coming to South Africa all I know is that it is going to be the biggest satellite or telescope (I don’t know which one) in the world. I don’t know what it does or who it is for just that it is a good thing for South Africa and will create jobs and all that other good stuff everybody wants so kudos to the people who ensured we get it. Who knows maybe having a huge satellite/telescope will aid in getting alien help in understanding why women paint their nails. 


A little interesting fact the name google is derived from the word googol a mathematical term for a number 1 followed by a 100 zeros. the founders named it this because they wanted to give people access to unlimited info on one page...objective achieved boys


That's all for today until next time (if I don't get gobbled up by green monsters or ninjas). Enjoy the rest of the week.


Follow me on Twitter @The_Don_maphz

Blue Chelsea Scumbags, Totis and Nazis

For fuck-sakes can the bloody Germans not do anything right with their miserable existence? It’s bad enough they couldn’t exterminate the Jews, now they went and bloody lost the most coveted trophy in world football to those blue scumbags with a giant African man with hair like a 16 year old girl in the middle of a puberty crisis. The whole world had to see that racist, egotistical, goon John Terry lift the champion’s league trophy, absolute cuntary (runs off to vomit in bathroom and tries to find a rope to hang himself)!!

Continuing with the theme of utter fuckery and complete disgust (because nothing good can come out of a week in which the blue scum and pie-rats both win trophies). A rather interesting portrait of the president was displayed by a museum somewhere in South Africa (pardon me I forget the name). In which Jacob’s toti was hanging out. Of course a photo of the painting went viral on the internet because everybody wants to see the presidents pipi, really are people that bored and insensitive? If you find pictures of naked round, bald men entertaining, you should probably get yourself checked out. If that was your father or grandfather or even you, it wouldn’t be so funny would it now? As expected Zuma has threatened to take legal action against the city press and the museum because he claims the painting is not a good depiction of him and should be taken down because he is clearly better hung than the portrait suggest. Well if we are going to look at the positives from this whole thing (hard to find positives in a week where…(*pukes again at the thought of the blue scum*). White people, if the portrait is indeed accurate at least now you know size doesn’t matter. I’m just kidding of course size bloody matters how do you expect to do the booga-booga with a peanut?

The Chinese and Americans are at it again. This time they want to “kung-fu” over solar panel equipment. The Americans are angry because the Chinese sell their stuff for lower prices than they do. Americans are amongst other things (over-weight, oil hungry, Taliban killing bustards) retarded; don’t they know China sells cheaper goods than anybody? In fact the Chinese probably made the Americans and sold them to Christopher Columbus all those years ago. Everything is made in China and everything will always be made in China (besides racists, scumbags and ass-holes though those are made at John Terry’s house in London and the Blue Bulls camp in Pretoria).

I had an interesting conversation with a lesbian earlier this week and she was telling me how much she hates guys and prefers women and all that other stuff lesbians like. Well firstly she was bald, wearing Addidas running shoes, carrying a Nike back pack, and dressed in baggy jeans. Now I don’t know a lot of Taliban terrorists but those that I have seen were never wearing skinny jeans, baseball caps or eating McDonalds. If you hate men so much stop trying to look like us! Terrorists don’t dress like Americans, Jews don’t dress like Nazis!

That’s all for today hope you all have a good week I know mine will be blue and I’ll spend it sick in the bathroom. Bayern Munich why art thou screw up my week! 

Follow me on twitter The Don Maphz

Bearded dragons, Art and Cellophane

So there’s plenty of people out there who own bearded dragons. Such a dumb pet if you ask me. They chill in your house on a log. You can’t take them for walks or teach them tricks. But that’s beside the point. So you’re one of those people that want one as a pet. You go to the pet store, buy one and take it home. No questions asked. What I want to know is how these little guys came about growing such an impressive mane. Are they just regular dragons and then become bearded after they go through puberty? Do the people in the pet store trim their beards to make it bushier? And why do they call them dragons? Dragons are hardcore mythical creatures that could blow fire and ravage villages. These guys are tiny and could hardly do any damage to a Lego man. They should be called saggy chinned lizards, damn!

I’ve been thinking to myself when was the last time I heard of a truly great modern day artist? These guys should be everywhere. I mean there are so many drugs that they have access to that the old greats probably never even knew about. The modern day guys could simply lock themselves in a room with a canvas, paints, crayons, whatever they want really and then just take some acid. They would wake up a few hours later with a masterpiece and recollection of how it came to be. Although that could lead to a Vincent van Gogh incident where they wake up with all of their toes hacked off and glued to the ceiling. Who knows, it’s just a suggestion. It might work, try it. If you do, send a couple of pictures of your work to us.

I remember a few years back, going to pay my sister a visit. She lives in a complex so they’ve got one of those electric gates that you have to wait at until the security guard brings you a book to sign before he opens the gate to let you in. Before leaving home I decided to wrap myself in cellophane as a prank. Forgetting about the security guard we had to pass. So with my head wrapped in cellophane and looking like a serial killer (not what I was going for but that was the end result) I got into the car. Sitting in the passenger seat (you can’t see much when you’re looking through cellophane, let alone drive) I remembered we had to pass this security guard and started to consider removing the cellophane. Then I thought we may as well see what his reaction would be. We pulled up to the gate and he looked right at me. Instead of taking out his gun and locking his sight on me or shouting a warning to leave, he simply smiled and opened the gate. No need to sign the book, no questions asked. Needless to say we were highly amused and extremely baffled at this. Maybe so was the security guard. I would still love to know what he was thinking when he decided to let us through that day.

Leopard skins, Speedos and Red Hairs

We live in a world where it is ok for guys to wear pink dresses, skinny jeans, leopard skin leggings and shades in doors. There is nothing we can do about it, I mean if you as a “man” feel the need to sit down when you pee it is your choice. By the way do you gays guys use pads or tampons? I can accept guys sharing clothes and tampons with their girlfriends but what I cannot stand is when grown man say shit like “men must get in touch with their feminine side” (pukes in mouth and takes a swipe at his Dr. Phil voodoo doll and suddenly gets a stomach ache). Really, since when do we have a feminine side? Shaka would put a spear in a man with a feminine side! I’ve never heard of women getting in touch with their masculine side? If any woman wants me to get in touch with my feminine side I’m making her change the tyre while I nurse my feelings!  What’s next? Men must put weaves on and wear heels to connect more to their women? Somebody shoot me now!

Tokyo “I Got Money” Sexwale has decided he wants to be elected as president of the ANC come December when the goon squad selects their next president. Interesting, considering  that Jacob “Rub My Tummy” Zuma still wants another term and his deputy Kgalime “Say Nothing” Motlante also wants the position. This got me thinking. What if I started my own version of the WWE and call it WWPPE (We Want Political Positions Entertainment). Every time people want tenders and high political positions they would battle it out in the ring in speedos and hot pants. I would get Thuli “No Nonsense” Madonsela to be the ref. Juju “I don’t Matter” Malema and Thabo “I am an African” Mbeki to clean the ring after the bloody fights (even the irrelevant ones need a job). Helen “The madam” Zille would be the lady who walks around in a swim suit before every fight announcing the fighters before they come onto the ring. Instead of having elections Tokyo, Jacob and Motlante would step into the ring in a triple threat match where the winner would get a term as the next president. The WWPPE would have its own version of the undertaker, FW De Klerk who kept coming back from the dead in a leather jacket and cowboy hat. In my season finale I would have the biggest match up of all time. A two on one match up. Robert Mugabe vs. Bush and Blair, the world tag team champions. Of course Bob would win because he would have his sangoma ring side making sure he wins. Bush and Blair don’t have those and we all know you can’t win without a midget practicing black magic ringside in the WWPPE. Point of the matter is, political battles would be way more interesting if they were on the WWPPE, regardless of who ends up as the next president it’s up to every South African to try and make a difference in their own lives and those around them. If you’re expecting politicians to come and save you, you are just waiting to get fucked.

Barrak “Yes We Can” Obama caused turmoil in the world by becoming the first U.S president to publically declare that he supports gay marriage. This one statement had a huge effect on the world. Rappers stopped swearing, African leaders gave up power after a single term, JP Morgan’s value fell, E-tolls were postponed, Jacob grew hair and left all his wives, the big show lost weight, politicians stopped being corrupt, Robert hugged Blair and had tea with Bush, Alex Ferguson stopped chewing gum and got a tan, PW Botha married a black women with Osama as the priest in hell. All because Obama supports gay marriage. I don’t see the big deal. If midgets, red hairs and Jews can get married why not gay people? It’s not like it affects the rest of us.    

That's all for this week ladies and gents have a good week.

Follow me on twitter The Don Maphz 

Something fun and then a little more serious.

Walking around on campus, barefoot, as I frequently do I often find people that I know commenting on the fact that I’m not wearing any shoes. In response to this I always feel like saying “You’re wearing a T-shirt” or “Your face has a nose on it”. I mean seriously. Are they trying to make me aware of the fact that I’m not wearing shoes, as if I don’t know that already. I never comment on the fact that they are wearing shoes. It’s something that I don’t even register. I just leave my room in the morning and happen not to have put on a pair of shoes.

People read into this way too much, getting comments like “Are you a hippie?”. I mean damn people I don’t ask whether you prefer you’re your steak rare or well done. I prefer mine rare, just in case you were wondering.

I also just like the way that it feels, the texture beneath my feet. You guys are missing out on so much everyday by putting shoes on your feet. The softness of a plush patch of grass or the warmth of stretch of road is something that often puts a smile on my face. Just try it. Don’t worry about what people will think of you, what does that matter in any case? That applies to everything. If it’s something that makes you happy, just do it. There is far too much negativity in this world. A smile from something so simple as splashing in a puddle of water can change your whole day.

Now for the more serious stuff.

Rhino poaching. A topic that has been simmering in the South African media as of late. In the last five years nearly 1000 rhino have been poached in South Africa. It is disgusting. There are various strategies being implemented in order to quell this trend however. Training of dogs to identify the smell of poachers in order to track them and a high tech system where the horns are being micro-chipped in order to survey and deplete the trade of illegal rhino horns. The best strategy yet, in my opinion, which is now being considered is legalizing the trade of the horns.

South Africa are sitting on an estimated stockpile of around 20 tons of rhino horn. Not including the unregistered horns. Strict protocol on the trade must however first be discussed before any move is made to legalise it. With the estimated price of a kg of rhino horn at R500, 000 should the trade be legalized, our country is sitting on a gold mine.

In my opinion this would be an excellent initiative. It takes away the incentive for people to trade rhino horn on the black market, effectively eliminating poachers. It will boost our countries economy and preserve the dwindling rhino population. My concern however lies with the implementation of such a market. What happens when we run out of the stockpile that we currently posses? Do we then turn to hunting the animals ourselves? Will there be a policy implemented that only the horns of rhino that have died of natural causes be traded after the stockpile is depleted? More so than anything else is my concern of where the money made from this new market will end up. More likely than not, although I hope this is not the case, in our politicians corrupt pockets.

I think that the money that will potentially be made from this trade should be invested in the preservation of the rhino and other wildlife in South Africa. It is a good initiative but needs to be implemented in an appropriate manner in order for it to be successful.

Midgets, Super Villains and Nude Pics

Midgets are annoying. There I said it, everybody knows it, everybody thinks it and everybody is afraid to say it. Thinking back to my time at boarding school and some later experiences in varsity, I have no doubt that midgets make up for what they lack in height with an exceptional skill to irritate all that is taller than they are. Have you ever seen a midget with midget friends? Exactly, they prefer to hang out with people who are taller than them who have no self-esteem, people I like to term the enforcers. The biggest bullies in boys’ school contrary to popular belief and American mythology aren’t the biggest guys, it’s the midgets with the biggest friends. Their lack of height makes them feel as if they always need to show others that they cannot be stepped on (the irony of that). This isn’t just true for guys but for girls as well. It is always the vertically challenged ones who are the leaders of the pack, destroying little boys’ confidence by telling them off just cause they wanted to stick some pipis in the midgets’ friends’ wiwis. Vicious cock-blocking and a wrath of harsh words ended by pulling the friends away leaves the little boy scarred for life and examining himself in the mirror for long hours trying to check what is wrong with himself. This is in actual fact a medical condition known as TDSPS or “The Don’s Short People Syndrome.” In short I don’t like midgets.

 The most anticipated movie of the year is finally out (thank the Pope it has no midgets in it-nah fuck the pope). The Avengers, a collection of the world’s greatest super heroes coming together to defend the earth. Amidst all the excitement about the movie the big five has told Iran that they must stop suspected nuclear weapon manufacturing. This got me thinking what if all the super villains of the world came together and decided to take over the world. Robert Mugabe would be their leader and would use his Swiss accounts to fund a biology operation which would raise Shaka Zulu, PW Botha, Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Idi Amin from the dead. In the process reanimating some of the most bad ass people to probably ever live. Adolf Hitler would be in charge of eradicating the world of all its Jews in order for Mugabe to get hold of all their funds. Shaka Zulu would be in charge of military strategy and would work hand in hand with Osama in making sure Iran and other countries affiliated with nuclear power production continue to provide military weapons for Shaka’s army, which would anger Shaka because he likes spears. Idi Amin would recruit Jacob and Snoop Dogg in an attempt to pimp out all the beautiful women of the world. PW Botha would sit in his room and whine about why he has to work for a Black guy. In short if countries continue to produce nuclear power as they please we are all fucked and we will seriously need Iron man and the rest of his Avengers squad to come and defend us.

While we are on PW Botha, “Jessica What What” a blonde girl who takes nude pictures for a living (whom I had never heard of before the incident might I add) caused outrage over social networking site twitter by using an inappropriate racial slur. She then of course wrote an apology afterwards saying how sorry she was, how much she loves black people and has had a secret crush on Barrack Obama and Jacob Zuma (but then again which woman doesn’t) since she was 14. I find such apologies a waste of everybody’s time to be honest. Does anybody honestly believe she means it. People should be forced to apologize properly for racist acts i.e. take her to Soweto put her in the middle of the street and make her apologize publically with everyone watching or if it’s a black guy/girl caught being racist send him to DelareyVille or Rooi Huis Kraal and make him apologize there, not these weak apologies behind a computer screen with a smile on their faces where nobody can see them . No doubt that would teach the racist scum a lesson, but then again who cares what a brainless twat who I repeat is taking nude pictures for a living has to say. 

That’s all for this week next column up on Wednesday by The Don Ryno. Have a good week and keeping up with the super villain theme, a quote by my personal favorite bad guy “Why so serious?”- The Joker

Follow me on twitter @The_Don_Maphz