Secrets to the Universe and surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

The buzz in the scientific world at the moment seems to be all about ‘dark matter’. It makes up three quarters of our universe. Or is it a quarter? Or is it two thirds? Flip I don’t know, there seem to be a lot of varying opinions on the matter. All I know is that it’s there and scientists are super interested in it. It’s meant to hold the secrets to our universe or something. They’ve even gone and built labs kilometres under the ground to study the stuff. There’s one in Antarctica and one in the States.

What I want to know is what we’re going to do when we know all the secrets to the universe. How will we even know once we’ve discovered them? How will we know that there isn’t more to be learnt? To me it’s a power trip. The Americans want to know what it’s all about before the Russians or the Chinese find out so that they can rub it in their faces. It’s not as if us, the public, will know about it once they’re discovered. All these secrets will be kept locked away by the government of whatever nation happens to discover them and this will simply lead to another war. The war for information. This shit is dumb. And unfair. I mean sure, we’re not working on discovering them but we still have the right to know. Fuck the privileged. I say we’re all equally privileged to live on this earth, we’re all human. What makes the Chinese super scientist any more suitable to knowing the secrets than the monstrously large Russian boxer. I rate that boxer should just get angry, fly over to the land of the little people and punch the shit out of them all. I’m getting carried away here. The point is....

What was the point again? Oh yes, I’m excited to see what secrets this dark matter holds and how it will benefit us. Who knows, maybe it will help create perpetual energy and the world can just develop to the point where we explode in on ourselves. The evolved few by that time, no doubt South Africans, because we’re fucking kief bru (I’ve got no better reason than that, BIG UPS to all my SOUTH AFRICAN READERS) will be intergalactic rulers of outer space.

So some dude in America got out of bed one morning and decided to go eat a hobo’s face off. Nice. You know what this means right. It’s the start of the zombie apocalypse. He started at the face only to get to the brain. He did quite well actually, managing to consume an ear, eyes and the man’s nose. He might be the first but there are many to follow. I have decided to compile a list of useful weapons when defending yourself against the brain eating scum.

Weapon	Pros	Cons
10 – Baseball bat	Powerful, easily accessible.	Close range.
9 – Golf clubs	Powerful, easily accessible better range than a baseball bat.	It’s still pretty close range
8 - Javelin	Sharp point will impale zombies from a great distance.	Difficult to access and hard to master the throwing technique.
7 - Crossbow	Powerful, accurate, long range weapon.	Difficult to access, long reload.
6 – Shot gun	Powerful, can kill more than one zombie at a time.	Close range, lengthy reload time.
5 – Hand Gun	Powerful, accurate, long range.	You will need to reload your cartridge relatively frequently.
4 – Sniper Rifle	Long range, accurate.	Difficult to access, need to be elevated for best effects.
3 – RPG	Long range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access. Long reload time.
2 - Grenades	Mid range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access.
1 – Steam roller	You are elevated from attack  and able to kill multiple slow moving zombies at once. It might be a good idea to fit the sides with plexiglass if you find time, to prevent the zombies from getting to you but to still be able to see them. If you can get this done you have an ultimate fighting weapon.	Slow moving, although you could always get out and run.

To end off, my top zombie fighting tip is to always have a backup plan, and then a backup plan to that backup plan. You should also start developing a backup plan to your backup plan when you you use your backup plan. In short, always have two backup plans available.

I look forward to joining you all in our imminent fight against the zombies. If you would like to discuss strategies or team formation don’t hesitate to comment or contact me via email. Best of luck to you all.