Secrets to the Universe and surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

The buzz in the scientific world at the moment seems to be all about ‘dark matter’. It makes up three quarters of our universe. Or is it a quarter? Or is it two thirds? Flip I don’t know, there seem to be a lot of varying opinions on the matter. All I know is that it’s there and scientists are super interested in it. It’s meant to hold the secrets to our universe or something. They’ve even gone and built labs kilometres under the ground to study the stuff. There’s one in Antarctica and one in the States.

What I want to know is what we’re going to do when we know all the secrets to the universe. How will we even know once we’ve discovered them? How will we know that there isn’t more to be learnt? To me it’s a power trip. The Americans want to know what it’s all about before the Russians or the Chinese find out so that they can rub it in their faces. It’s not as if us, the public, will know about it once they’re discovered. All these secrets will be kept locked away by the government of whatever nation happens to discover them and this will simply lead to another war. The war for information. This shit is dumb. And unfair. I mean sure, we’re not working on discovering them but we still have the right to know. Fuck the privileged. I say we’re all equally privileged to live on this earth, we’re all human. What makes the Chinese super scientist any more suitable to knowing the secrets than the monstrously large Russian boxer. I rate that boxer should just get angry, fly over to the land of the little people and punch the shit out of them all. I’m getting carried away here. The point is....

What was the point again? Oh yes, I’m excited to see what secrets this dark matter holds and how it will benefit us. Who knows, maybe it will help create perpetual energy and the world can just develop to the point where we explode in on ourselves. The evolved few by that time, no doubt South Africans, because we’re fucking kief bru (I’ve got no better reason than that, BIG UPS to all my SOUTH AFRICAN READERS) will be intergalactic rulers of outer space.

So some dude in America got out of bed one morning and decided to go eat a hobo’s face off. Nice. You know what this means right. It’s the start of the zombie apocalypse. He started at the face only to get to the brain. He did quite well actually, managing to consume an ear, eyes and the man’s nose. He might be the first but there are many to follow. I have decided to compile a list of useful weapons when defending yourself against the brain eating scum.

Weapon	Pros	Cons
10 – Baseball bat	Powerful, easily accessible.	Close range.
9 – Golf clubs	Powerful, easily accessible better range than a baseball bat.	It’s still pretty close range
8 - Javelin	Sharp point will impale zombies from a great distance.	Difficult to access and hard to master the throwing technique.
7 - Crossbow	Powerful, accurate, long range weapon.	Difficult to access, long reload.
6 – Shot gun	Powerful, can kill more than one zombie at a time.	Close range, lengthy reload time.
5 – Hand Gun	Powerful, accurate, long range.	You will need to reload your cartridge relatively frequently.
4 – Sniper Rifle	Long range, accurate.	Difficult to access, need to be elevated for best effects.
3 – RPG	Long range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access. Long reload time.
2 - Grenades	Mid range, can kill multiple zombies at a time.	Difficult to access.
1 – Steam roller	You are elevated from attack  and able to kill multiple slow moving zombies at once. It might be a good idea to fit the sides with plexiglass if you find time, to prevent the zombies from getting to you but to still be able to see them. If you can get this done you have an ultimate fighting weapon.	Slow moving, although you could always get out and run.

To end off, my top zombie fighting tip is to always have a backup plan, and then a backup plan to that backup plan. You should also start developing a backup plan to your backup plan when you you use your backup plan. In short, always have two backup plans available.

I look forward to joining you all in our imminent fight against the zombies. If you would like to discuss strategies or team formation don’t hesitate to comment or contact me via email. Best of luck to you all.

The Legend of Sir Humpalot and Naked female Ninjas

“A valiant knight once lived in the dark ages. Motivated by his need for knowledge in martial arts, the sciences and the opposite sex, the brave knight Sir Humpalot sailed from his homeland to take on his biggest challenge yet, the quest to understand women. The brave knight Sir Humpalot arrived in the foreign lands of South Africa after 6000 years on intense sailing abroad the “Booga-Booga 104.” Sir Humpalot known in his homeland for bravery and courage decided do an experiment. He walked up to the Casanova of South Africa (a round looking man with a belly and no hair known only as “The Spear”) and said to him “how art thou on this fine day old pimp” The Spear replied and light conversation followed. Feeling brave and smarter with the wisdom he had gained from The Spear, Sir Humpalot spurred on by his need for knowledge and understanding decided to do the same act with the local strumpets he embarked on a journey to find the sluttiest of them all and upon finding her walked up to her and in a moment of complete braveness or stupidity he uttered the words “ how art thou on this fine day young whore?” she transformed into a naked ninja beat him until the valiant knight Sir Humpalot was no more.”

 Legend has it men have not tried to understand women since the fall of Sir Humpalot and for good reason! I don’t want to be on the wrong side of a naked ninja beating (they do that trust me just you make one mad enough they turn into naked ninjas!) I mean what am I compared to the legendary Sir Humpalot? You will not win why would you try to understand a species that has convinced themselves over 100s of years that painting their nails a different color enhances their looks in anyway?

I had an interesting dream last night in which I was being chased down by 2 angry monsters for no reason. I could have taken them on using my super strength but why would I want to mess up such good looks on fighting monsters (I’m lying I was scared so I ran). The terrible twin monsters were furious and I was destined to meet my demise as I was about to get caught by the angry monster out came a hero from nowhere the public protector Thuli Madonsela (because angry women turn into ninjas) she super kicked the green and red monster away. The monsters aggrieved with fury went and fetched the ultimate monster their father Bheki Cele. The ultimate monster walked up to me with his stomach in and chest out but he too was no match for the naked ninja Thuli. After being battered and beaten by the ninja the monsters finally ran away and were never seen again. At which point I woke up and realized my dream wasn’t completely a dream but had a bit of reality in it. Thuli is finally winning against bheki Cele with the suspened police commissioner likely to be fired soon. The greatest revelation of my dream though was the fact that Shrek and Rooney (the dreadful monsters) are actually brothers and Bheki Cele is their father!

SKA is coming to South Africa all I know is that it is going to be the biggest satellite or telescope (I don’t know which one) in the world. I don’t know what it does or who it is for just that it is a good thing for South Africa and will create jobs and all that other good stuff everybody wants so kudos to the people who ensured we get it. Who knows maybe having a huge satellite/telescope will aid in getting alien help in understanding why women paint their nails. 


A little interesting fact the name google is derived from the word googol a mathematical term for a number 1 followed by a 100 zeros. the founders named it this because they wanted to give people access to unlimited info on one page...objective achieved boys


That's all for today until next time (if I don't get gobbled up by green monsters or ninjas). Enjoy the rest of the week.


Follow me on Twitter @The_Don_maphz

Blue Chelsea Scumbags, Totis and Nazis

For fuck-sakes can the bloody Germans not do anything right with their miserable existence? It’s bad enough they couldn’t exterminate the Jews, now they went and bloody lost the most coveted trophy in world football to those blue scumbags with a giant African man with hair like a 16 year old girl in the middle of a puberty crisis. The whole world had to see that racist, egotistical, goon John Terry lift the champion’s league trophy, absolute cuntary (runs off to vomit in bathroom and tries to find a rope to hang himself)!!

Continuing with the theme of utter fuckery and complete disgust (because nothing good can come out of a week in which the blue scum and pie-rats both win trophies). A rather interesting portrait of the president was displayed by a museum somewhere in South Africa (pardon me I forget the name). In which Jacob’s toti was hanging out. Of course a photo of the painting went viral on the internet because everybody wants to see the presidents pipi, really are people that bored and insensitive? If you find pictures of naked round, bald men entertaining, you should probably get yourself checked out. If that was your father or grandfather or even you, it wouldn’t be so funny would it now? As expected Zuma has threatened to take legal action against the city press and the museum because he claims the painting is not a good depiction of him and should be taken down because he is clearly better hung than the portrait suggest. Well if we are going to look at the positives from this whole thing (hard to find positives in a week where…(*pukes again at the thought of the blue scum*). White people, if the portrait is indeed accurate at least now you know size doesn’t matter. I’m just kidding of course size bloody matters how do you expect to do the booga-booga with a peanut?

The Chinese and Americans are at it again. This time they want to “kung-fu” over solar panel equipment. The Americans are angry because the Chinese sell their stuff for lower prices than they do. Americans are amongst other things (over-weight, oil hungry, Taliban killing bustards) retarded; don’t they know China sells cheaper goods than anybody? In fact the Chinese probably made the Americans and sold them to Christopher Columbus all those years ago. Everything is made in China and everything will always be made in China (besides racists, scumbags and ass-holes though those are made at John Terry’s house in London and the Blue Bulls camp in Pretoria).

I had an interesting conversation with a lesbian earlier this week and she was telling me how much she hates guys and prefers women and all that other stuff lesbians like. Well firstly she was bald, wearing Addidas running shoes, carrying a Nike back pack, and dressed in baggy jeans. Now I don’t know a lot of Taliban terrorists but those that I have seen were never wearing skinny jeans, baseball caps or eating McDonalds. If you hate men so much stop trying to look like us! Terrorists don’t dress like Americans, Jews don’t dress like Nazis!

That’s all for today hope you all have a good week I know mine will be blue and I’ll spend it sick in the bathroom. Bayern Munich why art thou screw up my week! 

Follow me on twitter The Don Maphz

Bearded dragons, Art and Cellophane

So there’s plenty of people out there who own bearded dragons. Such a dumb pet if you ask me. They chill in your house on a log. You can’t take them for walks or teach them tricks. But that’s beside the point. So you’re one of those people that want one as a pet. You go to the pet store, buy one and take it home. No questions asked. What I want to know is how these little guys came about growing such an impressive mane. Are they just regular dragons and then become bearded after they go through puberty? Do the people in the pet store trim their beards to make it bushier? And why do they call them dragons? Dragons are hardcore mythical creatures that could blow fire and ravage villages. These guys are tiny and could hardly do any damage to a Lego man. They should be called saggy chinned lizards, damn!

I’ve been thinking to myself when was the last time I heard of a truly great modern day artist? These guys should be everywhere. I mean there are so many drugs that they have access to that the old greats probably never even knew about. The modern day guys could simply lock themselves in a room with a canvas, paints, crayons, whatever they want really and then just take some acid. They would wake up a few hours later with a masterpiece and recollection of how it came to be. Although that could lead to a Vincent van Gogh incident where they wake up with all of their toes hacked off and glued to the ceiling. Who knows, it’s just a suggestion. It might work, try it. If you do, send a couple of pictures of your work to us.

I remember a few years back, going to pay my sister a visit. She lives in a complex so they’ve got one of those electric gates that you have to wait at until the security guard brings you a book to sign before he opens the gate to let you in. Before leaving home I decided to wrap myself in cellophane as a prank. Forgetting about the security guard we had to pass. So with my head wrapped in cellophane and looking like a serial killer (not what I was going for but that was the end result) I got into the car. Sitting in the passenger seat (you can’t see much when you’re looking through cellophane, let alone drive) I remembered we had to pass this security guard and started to consider removing the cellophane. Then I thought we may as well see what his reaction would be. We pulled up to the gate and he looked right at me. Instead of taking out his gun and locking his sight on me or shouting a warning to leave, he simply smiled and opened the gate. No need to sign the book, no questions asked. Needless to say we were highly amused and extremely baffled at this. Maybe so was the security guard. I would still love to know what he was thinking when he decided to let us through that day.

Leopard skins, Speedos and Red Hairs

We live in a world where it is ok for guys to wear pink dresses, skinny jeans, leopard skin leggings and shades in doors. There is nothing we can do about it, I mean if you as a “man” feel the need to sit down when you pee it is your choice. By the way do you gays guys use pads or tampons? I can accept guys sharing clothes and tampons with their girlfriends but what I cannot stand is when grown man say shit like “men must get in touch with their feminine side” (pukes in mouth and takes a swipe at his Dr. Phil voodoo doll and suddenly gets a stomach ache). Really, since when do we have a feminine side? Shaka would put a spear in a man with a feminine side! I’ve never heard of women getting in touch with their masculine side? If any woman wants me to get in touch with my feminine side I’m making her change the tyre while I nurse my feelings!  What’s next? Men must put weaves on and wear heels to connect more to their women? Somebody shoot me now!

Tokyo “I Got Money” Sexwale has decided he wants to be elected as president of the ANC come December when the goon squad selects their next president. Interesting, considering  that Jacob “Rub My Tummy” Zuma still wants another term and his deputy Kgalime “Say Nothing” Motlante also wants the position. This got me thinking. What if I started my own version of the WWE and call it WWPPE (We Want Political Positions Entertainment). Every time people want tenders and high political positions they would battle it out in the ring in speedos and hot pants. I would get Thuli “No Nonsense” Madonsela to be the ref. Juju “I don’t Matter” Malema and Thabo “I am an African” Mbeki to clean the ring after the bloody fights (even the irrelevant ones need a job). Helen “The madam” Zille would be the lady who walks around in a swim suit before every fight announcing the fighters before they come onto the ring. Instead of having elections Tokyo, Jacob and Motlante would step into the ring in a triple threat match where the winner would get a term as the next president. The WWPPE would have its own version of the undertaker, FW De Klerk who kept coming back from the dead in a leather jacket and cowboy hat. In my season finale I would have the biggest match up of all time. A two on one match up. Robert Mugabe vs. Bush and Blair, the world tag team champions. Of course Bob would win because he would have his sangoma ring side making sure he wins. Bush and Blair don’t have those and we all know you can’t win without a midget practicing black magic ringside in the WWPPE. Point of the matter is, political battles would be way more interesting if they were on the WWPPE, regardless of who ends up as the next president it’s up to every South African to try and make a difference in their own lives and those around them. If you’re expecting politicians to come and save you, you are just waiting to get fucked.

Barrak “Yes We Can” Obama caused turmoil in the world by becoming the first U.S president to publically declare that he supports gay marriage. This one statement had a huge effect on the world. Rappers stopped swearing, African leaders gave up power after a single term, JP Morgan’s value fell, E-tolls were postponed, Jacob grew hair and left all his wives, the big show lost weight, politicians stopped being corrupt, Robert hugged Blair and had tea with Bush, Alex Ferguson stopped chewing gum and got a tan, PW Botha married a black women with Osama as the priest in hell. All because Obama supports gay marriage. I don’t see the big deal. If midgets, red hairs and Jews can get married why not gay people? It’s not like it affects the rest of us.    

That's all for this week ladies and gents have a good week.

Follow me on twitter The Don Maphz 

Something fun and then a little more serious.

Walking around on campus, barefoot, as I frequently do I often find people that I know commenting on the fact that I’m not wearing any shoes. In response to this I always feel like saying “You’re wearing a T-shirt” or “Your face has a nose on it”. I mean seriously. Are they trying to make me aware of the fact that I’m not wearing shoes, as if I don’t know that already. I never comment on the fact that they are wearing shoes. It’s something that I don’t even register. I just leave my room in the morning and happen not to have put on a pair of shoes.

People read into this way too much, getting comments like “Are you a hippie?”. I mean damn people I don’t ask whether you prefer you’re your steak rare or well done. I prefer mine rare, just in case you were wondering.

I also just like the way that it feels, the texture beneath my feet. You guys are missing out on so much everyday by putting shoes on your feet. The softness of a plush patch of grass or the warmth of stretch of road is something that often puts a smile on my face. Just try it. Don’t worry about what people will think of you, what does that matter in any case? That applies to everything. If it’s something that makes you happy, just do it. There is far too much negativity in this world. A smile from something so simple as splashing in a puddle of water can change your whole day.

Now for the more serious stuff.

Rhino poaching. A topic that has been simmering in the South African media as of late. In the last five years nearly 1000 rhino have been poached in South Africa. It is disgusting. There are various strategies being implemented in order to quell this trend however. Training of dogs to identify the smell of poachers in order to track them and a high tech system where the horns are being micro-chipped in order to survey and deplete the trade of illegal rhino horns. The best strategy yet, in my opinion, which is now being considered is legalizing the trade of the horns.

South Africa are sitting on an estimated stockpile of around 20 tons of rhino horn. Not including the unregistered horns. Strict protocol on the trade must however first be discussed before any move is made to legalise it. With the estimated price of a kg of rhino horn at R500, 000 should the trade be legalized, our country is sitting on a gold mine.

In my opinion this would be an excellent initiative. It takes away the incentive for people to trade rhino horn on the black market, effectively eliminating poachers. It will boost our countries economy and preserve the dwindling rhino population. My concern however lies with the implementation of such a market. What happens when we run out of the stockpile that we currently posses? Do we then turn to hunting the animals ourselves? Will there be a policy implemented that only the horns of rhino that have died of natural causes be traded after the stockpile is depleted? More so than anything else is my concern of where the money made from this new market will end up. More likely than not, although I hope this is not the case, in our politicians corrupt pockets.

I think that the money that will potentially be made from this trade should be invested in the preservation of the rhino and other wildlife in South Africa. It is a good initiative but needs to be implemented in an appropriate manner in order for it to be successful.

Midgets, Super Villains and Nude Pics

Midgets are annoying. There I said it, everybody knows it, everybody thinks it and everybody is afraid to say it. Thinking back to my time at boarding school and some later experiences in varsity, I have no doubt that midgets make up for what they lack in height with an exceptional skill to irritate all that is taller than they are. Have you ever seen a midget with midget friends? Exactly, they prefer to hang out with people who are taller than them who have no self-esteem, people I like to term the enforcers. The biggest bullies in boys’ school contrary to popular belief and American mythology aren’t the biggest guys, it’s the midgets with the biggest friends. Their lack of height makes them feel as if they always need to show others that they cannot be stepped on (the irony of that). This isn’t just true for guys but for girls as well. It is always the vertically challenged ones who are the leaders of the pack, destroying little boys’ confidence by telling them off just cause they wanted to stick some pipis in the midgets’ friends’ wiwis. Vicious cock-blocking and a wrath of harsh words ended by pulling the friends away leaves the little boy scarred for life and examining himself in the mirror for long hours trying to check what is wrong with himself. This is in actual fact a medical condition known as TDSPS or “The Don’s Short People Syndrome.” In short I don’t like midgets.

 The most anticipated movie of the year is finally out (thank the Pope it has no midgets in it-nah fuck the pope). The Avengers, a collection of the world’s greatest super heroes coming together to defend the earth. Amidst all the excitement about the movie the big five has told Iran that they must stop suspected nuclear weapon manufacturing. This got me thinking what if all the super villains of the world came together and decided to take over the world. Robert Mugabe would be their leader and would use his Swiss accounts to fund a biology operation which would raise Shaka Zulu, PW Botha, Adolf Hitler, Osama Bin Laden and Idi Amin from the dead. In the process reanimating some of the most bad ass people to probably ever live. Adolf Hitler would be in charge of eradicating the world of all its Jews in order for Mugabe to get hold of all their funds. Shaka Zulu would be in charge of military strategy and would work hand in hand with Osama in making sure Iran and other countries affiliated with nuclear power production continue to provide military weapons for Shaka’s army, which would anger Shaka because he likes spears. Idi Amin would recruit Jacob and Snoop Dogg in an attempt to pimp out all the beautiful women of the world. PW Botha would sit in his room and whine about why he has to work for a Black guy. In short if countries continue to produce nuclear power as they please we are all fucked and we will seriously need Iron man and the rest of his Avengers squad to come and defend us.

While we are on PW Botha, “Jessica What What” a blonde girl who takes nude pictures for a living (whom I had never heard of before the incident might I add) caused outrage over social networking site twitter by using an inappropriate racial slur. She then of course wrote an apology afterwards saying how sorry she was, how much she loves black people and has had a secret crush on Barrack Obama and Jacob Zuma (but then again which woman doesn’t) since she was 14. I find such apologies a waste of everybody’s time to be honest. Does anybody honestly believe she means it. People should be forced to apologize properly for racist acts i.e. take her to Soweto put her in the middle of the street and make her apologize publically with everyone watching or if it’s a black guy/girl caught being racist send him to DelareyVille or Rooi Huis Kraal and make him apologize there, not these weak apologies behind a computer screen with a smile on their faces where nobody can see them . No doubt that would teach the racist scum a lesson, but then again who cares what a brainless twat who I repeat is taking nude pictures for a living has to say. 

That’s all for this week next column up on Wednesday by The Don Ryno. Have a good week and keeping up with the super villain theme, a quote by my personal favorite bad guy “Why so serious?”- The Joker

Follow me on twitter @The_Don_Maphz

Die Antwoord...huh?

Die Antwoord. “What the fuck?” is the general question I could not escape as I began my research into what they describe as their Zef culture. The rap-rave, this South African group produces gives me a feeling of immense discomfort and unease. The images of Ninja (Watkin Tudor Jones), Yolandi Visser (born Andri du Toit) and DJ Hi-Tek, choose to portray of themselves are moving. I mean this only in the most disturbing fashion.

Die Antwoord are self proclaimed ambassadors of the Zef culture. Roughly translated to English this would mean ‘common’. However, people seem proud to claim their ‘Zefness’. I get the impression that it is considered cool to be Zef. That impression isn’t enough to sway me into wanting to be dirty, wear cheap jewellery or talk like a “doos” though.

The group appears to have this persistant need to be gangster and alternative. It all comes across as a bit fake or staged to me though. Watkin Tudor Jones is quite a classy name for somebody who gives off a white trash image, has been involved in numerous alternative, groups. Some think his persona is brilliant. I consider it weak. Anybody can put on an Afrikaans accent, swear a lot and walk like they’ve got a bad knee and clutch their crotch. I guess he does it really well though, I mean look where he is today. It might seem a bit fake yet intimidating at the same time. He’s the kind of person you could expect to invite you over for lunch and upon your arrival chloroform you. When eventually awake you might find a couple of your appendages staring back at you. Reading over some of his interactions however, he seems like quite a humble guy. He realises the fleeting capabilities of every moment and therefore embraces each and every one. I never thought I’d say it at the beginning of this article but that’s something every one of us can learn from him.

Yolandi, now that’s another story altogether. Upon first impression she seems like a sweet enough, timid girl. After watching some of their videos your perception will be completely warped. It’s as if she’s using her body as a marketing tool for the group. Something that is some-what disturbing, along with the ear piercing  sounds that escape her mouth from time to time. She comes across as somebody who has endured immense hardships in her life, hopefully that is merely the persona she is portraying.

It all makes me wonder what these guys are like on a day to day basis. Are they just normal people like you and I. Although what defines normal is rather vague. The scariest thing to have come across my mind while researching and writing this piece is, what if it’s not an act. What if they are really like this. I stand in no position to judge them. It’s just weird to think that they could possibly come from such disturbed backgrounds. All places that I’ve never seen or imagined I guess but they are without a doubt out there

.

There music is challenging. They are not afraid to say what they think and feel, at times portraying deep meaning within their lyrics. A song like Never Le Nkimise 1, the lyrics which can be found on their website, addresses the corruption in South Africa and the malaise felt toward the government. Their art could be viewed as revolutionary by means of evoking a strong emotion in the viewer. Often one of discomfort, well at least in my case. Their music videos at times a collage of indistinguishable figures or else disturbing imagery that appears to have been very carefully set up. According to Watkins a lot of their art is influenced by the art of children and the criminally insane.  Of course it is. "They don't have that hard barrier between their conscious and subconscious minds, the creativity and fluid consciousness inspires me," he says.

What they have done though has been effective. They are name recognised worldwide for their unconventional music and style. While it is questionable whether or not it is all merely a façade, it is one that is memorable nonetheless. Their music video “I fink you freaky” is something that will stick with me for a long time. What seems like a sort of dark aura about them makes me apprehensive to allow their music to penetrate my social boundaries. It is probably the same thing that makes me curious about them. It’s certainly part of the reason for their massive fan base.

It is possible that there is a deep rooted meaning behind their music, style and image. Their portrayal of the Afrikaans and Coloured lower-middle class is haunting. To me they are a group with many untold stories. Some of which I feel I might be too scared to hear. Nevertheless they are helping to put South Africa on the artistic map of the world with their unconventional style. That is something I believe all aspiring South African artists should be grateful for. And yes, a little freaked out by too. 

Check out their newest music video "I fink you freeky" at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Uee_mcxvrw