Letter to Richard

Dear Richard or as you are known around your mates...Dick

First of all I think blond women are beautiful, red hairs are as bad as it gets, I don't care much about Helen Zille, and I think Kim Kardashian is a sloot, Slim Shady is the greatest human to ever live and the rhinos and dogs you care about so much can go fuck themselves.

Secondly Dick I forgave you ancestors for slavery and I forgave your grandparents for apartheid. None of that shit had anything to do with you so there's no resentment towards you from my side, but I'm sick off all your bullshit. I can't take the pretense anymore, in your eyes the two of us aren't equal Dick, your mannerisms annoy me, the covert racism ingrained in you which you don't even realize is there is the reason I'm probably going to end up kicking your ass.

Don't tell me I'm just another black guy being a nuisance Dick. What do you know about people crossing the street every time they are going to walk past you in because they think you are going to mug them? What do you know about having to repeat your name more than once every time you meet someone because they've assumed they can't pronounce it before you've even said it? Maphz it's not even a hard name Dick. What do you know about sitting in group meetings in class with group members who assume they know more than you because you have more melanin than they do? What do you know about sitting in a meeting at work with a group of white people who disregard everything you say as bullshit just because you don't burn in the sun even though you are just as qualified as they are? Stop telling me I speak well Dick it's not a compliment it's a fucking insult because what you are actually thinking is "I never expected this black guy to be able to articulate himself in such an immaculate way." What do you know about having to introduce yourself more than once to the same person because in your head you register all of us as looking the same? I certainly do not look like this guy stop assuming I do.

Tell me Dick were you ever accused of stealing by your white teachers as a 14 year old boy? Proved your innocence and never even got anything resembling an apology? What do you know about having to use your white friend's name to secure a place to live because nobody wants to lease their place out to a black guy? I'm tired of dudes making comments every time they see me chilling with a white female friend of mine, "stop stealing white chicks" who the fuck do they belong too? Do you think we still live slavery times where people are property belonging to other people?

Slim Shady said it: "I don't care if you're black, white, straight, bisexual, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that," if you not willing to do the same Dick I'm giving you an Undertaker-esque Wrestlemania beating.  

Regards

Your favourite Black friend

Follow me on twitter

@Lord_Maphz

For Men Only

Blogging is a strange thing; when you are inspired you can produce the sort of writing that would look brilliant next to a Tim Stillman column, but when you aren't you can either sit down and not write anything or you can produce the sort of boring garbage you find in a Varsity newspaper. Of-course a lack of inspiration isn't the reason I haven't written anything in a while I've just been lazy its not like there's been a shortage of fuckery to analyze and write about in the past couple of months *cough Rampheezy cough Zille cough*

 

Do you know why these grown black men are crying? Charles Darwin never did his fucking job properly that's why! The slightly above average good looking black woman gets 'macked' on approximately 15 times a week according to qualitative ground theory research performed at a top institution, considering girls start developing proper boobs at the age of 16(size of the boobs is directly proportional to an individuals gets-macked-on-coefficient) by the time she reaches 21 she has been 'macked' on over 3000 times. Considering she's not interested in 99.92%  of the guys who try to stick their peepee in her weewee she will develop a natural defense mechanism to 'mack' (its fucking science Charles Darwin said so don't argue). A black women will get brutal when a black man approaches, she will rip his heart out and feed it raw to his children while keeping him alive to watch! It's evolution! After 1000s of years of not-good-enough men trying their luck with black women it's now coded in their DNA they don't control it and they can't be blamed carvela owners in floral uzzi shirts have caused this by always trying to mack! It's evolution!

Yet there is a solution for you black men! You don't have to endure this cut throat brutality from black women! An equally good qualitative study from the same top quality institution has found that white women only get courted on a Thursday night at tiger-tiger by drunk white guys with low game-coefficients (a measure of a male's ability to convince a woman to engage in coitus with him). The natural defense mechanism developed by black women has thus not been passed onto their white counter parts, but instead the defense mechanism has led to the game-coefficient of black men to be significantly higher  than that of their white counter parts. It's evolution! the lack of a defense mechanism from white women and the unnaturally high game-coefficient of black men means...well you can figure that out

Over time the roles will reverse and the lack of attention to black women will lead to them losing their natural defense mechanism (because Charles Darwin...) and white women gaining one. At this point black men will just switch back to the females with a lower defense system.

Thank me when you are handling that long legged blond woman with blue eyes you stud motherfuckers! You are free now don't let the shackles of black women chain you! Darwin never told you about this part of evolution but I did!

Follow me on twitter : @Lord_Maphz

Obama taking a piss

I reckon this the best and worst time to live in depending on whether you are a cup half full or half empty kind of person.the internet and social networks provide us with such a large amount of information its hard to process it all. Where is back in the day you needed to read a newspaper or watch the news to find out about George W bombing Iraq all you have to do these days is log onto twitter and your timeline is flooded with all sorts of news in an instant from Miley twerking to Obama taking a piss on the white house lawn, before his piss even reaches the ground. People who have never read a book in their lives feel this need to 'reckon' as soon as the latest topic they know nothing about trends on twitter. They 'reckon' Obama shouldn't attack Syria, they 'reckon' the National Development Plan is useless, they 'reckon' Oscar is guilty (I guess everybody 'reckoned' themselves a law degree). The problem with always 'reckoning' we need to know what you 'reckon' about something you know nothing about is that you come off as a cunt.There's nothing wrong with having an informed opinion or asking the correct questions in order to get informed, but when you 'reckon' you can make an informed opinion on stuff you know nothing about simply because it's 'trending' I 'reckon' you should reconsider the way you use the internet. 

While we are on the topic of trending topics, Cyril Ramaphosa was at Wits University earlier this week to inform the students there about the National Development Plan and as usual the geniuses of twitter decided to inform all of us how useless it is and how unrealistic it is. I had the opportunity of interacting with Trevor Manuel last year and spoke to him about one of the issues the NDP is trying to address by the year 2030 and although I don't really want to get into it the details on the NDP it is sad that South Africans who probably haven't bothered to even read the executive summary of the NDP have already begun to criticize and reject it simply because it comes from the government. In a country that is filled with so much negativity politically I personally think this is the 1 thing every South African should participate in and at least get familiar with. Even if all the targets and/or goals aren't meant if the country as a whole can all be focused into working on this one goal there is a lot we can achieve as a nation in the fight against poverty. If the NDP says we need to create 10 jobs by the year 4000 and we all get together and try to make that happen and we end up creating 8 we have done a lot more than just sitting around behind our keyboards and 'reckoning' the NDP is useless. Being allowed to vote and electing our own leaders democratically means nothing when the costs of living are still keeping the majority of our people trapped in financial chains locked into appalling living conditions while a select few enjoy the advantages of 'freedom'. Immortal Technique said "Democracy is just a word when the people are starving" if the NDP is attempting to give a solution all the cunthounds out there should stop the cuntary and keep and open mind.

While we are on the topic of South Africa, the South African soccer team Bafumbler-Bafumbler lost to Zimbabwe this week. In a country that just hosted the world cup and was left millions of dollars to invest in development and footballing infrastructure it is inexcusable to be losing to (with complete disrespect to Zimbabwe) teams of that level. Our two other main sporting codes cricket and rugby are consistently near at the very top of the world rankings, yet the scumbags running the administration fail to address the need to implement proper development structures at grass roots level to the most popular sport in the country. Instead Sedibe and co keep embarrassing us by being involved in match fixing investigations and a lack of knowledge for the rules surely I am not the only fan who feels the day of 'reckoning' has come for the whole SAFA administration, if we keep going like this it will be another 150 years till we participate in an international competition and even then it will be due to us being hosts.

I reckon you should follow me on twitter

@Lord_Maphz

Black People fix yourselves

Lets not beat around the bush and get straight to the point, your cuntary coefficient ( a highly complicated mathematical derivation based on the biological similarity between the average man’s DNA and John Terry’s-ultimate cunt- Newton and I came up with it on our visit to Bolivia) is multiplied by 9.5 the moment you decide to publish an open letter. You’re a dick who probably listens to LL COOLJ while jerking yourself off in front of a mirror, that’s my feeling towards all these cunts who are publishing all kinds of open letters to all different kinds of people. What has anybody ever achieved by writing an open letter? What great things have been achieved by writing an open letter? Can you imagine where we would be if people like Ghandi and Luther-King had just sat there writing open letters instead of going out there and making their (constructive) views heard in an effective manner?

This is the age of the internet-thug, key-board warriors, twitter-heroes who sit behind their computers all day in white underpants with a bowl of cereal on their lap and a 1997 poster of Pamela Anderson on their wall which they jerk off too every night when they are done chucking open letters and insulting people on twitter.  If you don’t like somebody’s tweets there’s a very effective tool called an un-follow button, there’s no need to be a cunt about things, I don't want to read about your silly feuds when I log onto my news site to read actual important news. 

US President Barack Obama was in Africa last week, admittedly I haven’t the foggiest notation of an idea as to why he was here but what I do know is that his visit cost American tax payers close to a $100 000 000 US. I wasn't able to find out how much it cost South African tax payers but I know if it was President Jacob Zuma who had spent that much on a visit to the US the very same people who were thrilled at President Obama’s visit tweeting all kinds of swear words and demanding tickets to Australia ( which they cannot afford ).

While we are on the topic of foreign presidents and stuff our propensity as South Africans to idolize anything foreign really baffles me, we are so desperate to praise anything foreign we are willing to praise a man who has done nothing for Africa or more specifically South Africa. We are willing to pay R800 or R900 to watch a cold play or Kanye West concert but we won’t pay R10 to see the Parlotones or Proverb. South Africans know more about Adolf Hitler and Stalin then they do about Oliver Tambo and Walter Sisulu. People will laugh at other South Africans for making grammatical errors and having “comrade” accents in English but the very same South Africans find French, Spanish and Portuguese grammatical errors and accents sexy. I like social networks just as much as the next guy they provide a portal in which we can communicate with people we would otherwise never have been able to interact with but at the same time you also can’t ignore the negativity which platforms such as twitter and Facebook spread.

Instead of embracing social networks as a way for our fellow black South Africans to get stuck into the language and learn by interacting with people who are proficient in the language my fellow black people (actually you aren't my people so fuck you) will transform into comedians as soon as a fellow South African makes a grammatical error. Before you make fun of somebody for not being able to speak/write the language properly perhaps you should ask yourself why they aren't

as fluent as you are. You look good to your friends for 5 minutes but you scar the person on the other side of your comedy for life.  Where have you ever seen an Afrikaans person make fun of FW De Klerk for his thick Afrikaans accent? How many times have we seen black people make fun of other black people for how they speak?

Let’s not forget the other tendency black people have of terming things as “ghetto” what exactly quantifies ghetto? I was called ghetto because I eat porridge in the morning instead of cereal. These people who are going around calling people ghetto (as if living in the ghetto is a choice or an indication of a lack of intellect) and laughing at people’s accents I have a question for you…How many of your parents and grandparents grew up in Sandton or Clifton? Do all your aunts and uncles speak the kind of English that will have the queen of England screaming in orgasmic pleasure? I didn't think so…

Follow me on twitter: Lord_Maphz

Pointless...

Nelson Mandela did not stay in prison for 27 years without 2 ply toilet paper for dudes to get bat and attitude from grenades who look like they could be substitutes for the zombies in Michael Jackson’s thriller music video. It’s simple really if you are nice to me I am nice to you it doesn’t matter whether you are pink, gay, blue, black, vote for the DA,  think John Terry is a despicable human being it’s as simple as that you are nice to me I am nice to you. Of course there will be the self righteous amongst you who will read this and think “he is so vulgar” or “why is he so offensive” well how about you take your self-righteous self and fuck right off to news24 because this is not a news site I am not here to be politically correct expecting me to care about how offended you are or how sensitive your feelings are is like trying to get a blowjob from Mother Teresa during a church service…pointless

Elections in 2014 and as usual the scumbags in politics have started with their campaigns and lies to get us to vote for them. I will be honest and say to you I have better things to do on a public holiday than standing in long lines to put people in power who are just there to fuck me over and spend my taxes on buying fancy vehicles and hiring Russian strippers. I couldn’t be arsed about Lindi being angry about a new McDonalds opening in Nkandla before her village gets one. If Juju and Jacob of Nkandla want to argue about who Helen gave head to first then let them go right ahead nobody cares! But for fuck-sakes do not involve Nelson Mandela in your petty arguments you can screw the rest of us over without involving the old man in your stupid arguments absolute cuntary I tell you…oh for those of you who think I have no right to complain about the social injustice of this country because I would rather lie at the beach than vote I have this to say to you…just because I don’t choose the springbok side doesn’t mean I can’t complain when Pier Spies plays like a man possessed by fairies and pink ponies.  Matter of fact trying to convince me to vote is like trying to convince a man with no arms to climb a 10 feet ladder on an incline…pointless

Met an American girl earlier this week I can’t trust that woman! Well for one she is American this is a country which made George W. president and doesn’t  allow kids to eat kinder chocolate eggs but allows its people to drive around in tanks and own grenade launchers as hobbies . I’m getting side tracked the main reason I don’t trust that woman is because she doesn’t like bacon! What kind of a normal non-Muslim human being doesn’t like bacon? People who don’t like bacon have either never eaten bacon in or they are wrong! It’s a public holiday so I am going to spend the day trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am good at but then again that’s like trying to convince white people that rhinos and dogs aren’t as important as people…FUCKING POINTLESS

Follow me on twitter @Lord_maphz

Mothers Beat Your Brats

Mothers beat your brats: as soon as that brat turns three and is old enough to comprehend what a beating is, beat a sensible moral code into that brat! Invest in a leather belt made of dinosaur skin sprinkled with ash from a fire breathing dragon’s mouth. While we are on the topic of fire breathing dragons; mothers can you please educate your kids about the importance of brushing their teeth and showering in the morning before going to school or work. There is nothing more irritating than sitting next to a person who smells like they’ve been trapped in a war zone in middle earth for 3 years, 2 months and 9 days, deprived of water because Lindi Mazibuko drank it all Gandalf feels like being a complete bustard and wants everybody to stink.  Fuck you Gandalf! Mothers if your kid doesn’t like water beat that dirt and smell out of them every morning till they fall in love with water! Do it for humanity!

It’s kind of pointless writing a blog about rape considering the majority of the offenders probably aren’t intelligent enough to read, [Insert joke about Jacob of Nkandla’s rape case here] but it is an issue that cannot be ignored particularly since today is international women’s day. A vital step in the transition from boy to man is the ability to look at a woman and see more than a piece of live meat waiting for you to pounce on, women are not prey, they aren’t there to entertain horny douchebags whose moral code only points south. The clothes she wears, the amount of alcohol in her system, her sexual orientation or even the sweet seductive smell of her perfume are not an excuse for you to force yourself on her (buy some porn and jerk off it’s really simple). As for the people who believe women ask to get raped, back in the day my great (x16) grandfather’s friend Julius Ceaser had a name for people like you; that word was cunts…matter of fact now that I think about it that’s still the word. I read a tweet earlier which went something along the lines of getting raped is like being murdered and being forced to live afterwards. Now to think that there are people who believe somebody could ask for that amount of emotional and physical pain shows there is very little hope for mankind, that kind of ignorance is the reason Lindi doesn’t gym and Gedliyehlekisa doesn’t read his speeches before he delivers them. 

A family member of mine suggested mob justice is the only solution to minimizing rape and to a certain degree he might be correct but perhaps the death penalty or maybe even a capable police force might help? Who am I kidding this is South Africa we are better off hoping Dumbledore takes some time off from Hogwarts and makes the journey south to collect these rapists so he can lock them up in a cage with Lord Voldemort in Azkaban.

Mothers beat your brats all the way to the shower! Perhaps Mr. Baggins needs some company to come along with him on his mission to reclaim the land of the dwarfs I am sure he won’t mind the awkward smell as much as we do up here!

Follow me on twitter: @Lord_maphz

This might be a little deep

All bran cereal is probably the single most expensive food out there, for those of you who are familiar with Maphz’s economic theory of rational probability and statistical analysis of biological processes you will know why. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the theory Sir Isaac Newton and I worked on while apples were falling from trees let me explain…buying all bran means you also need to buy toilet paper, which means you need to use the water closet hence using water to flush erm (cough cough) your excessive weight down and contrary to popular belief water isn’t free, but you also need to wash your hands more frequently with hand-wash, you also can’t really do your business in the dark can you? So Eskom gets a cut, let me not mention the air fresheners…I don’t really know where this is going but I guess all I am trying to say is high fibre cereal makes you shit a lot.

Valentine’s Day came and went and with it took the virginity of unsuspecting young girls who have been ignored since giving it up. More significantly however the “Blade Gunner” (as he is now known) shot down his girlfriend at 4am sending the whole of cyberspace into turmoil (I always knew the twat was an attention seeker he could have shot her on any other day). I am sure everybody is aware of what happened by now (if you aren’t kindly go fuck yourself because your complete ignorance to what’s happening around you isn’t needed in this lame excuse of a blog).  William Shakespeare is perhaps the most underrated intellectual of all time, his ability to capture all facets of human emotions and translate them into plays/stories that would remain relevant decades after his passing is a skill that the most educated professors will never possess. Oscars fall from beloved athlete to murderous criminal can be compared to Othello’s decline from valiant war hero to a murderous psychopath who takes the life of his own wife due to uncontrolled rage.

Superman, Batman, Hulk, Ironman and perhaps even Harvey Spector are all a result of an inherent human quality to have heroes and idols which we look up to for inspiration, the very fabric of human nature means we are constantly looking for super heroes who exhibit qualities our imperfect human forms could never have. These characters only exist in movies, television and comic books but our need for individuals with unparalleled moral codes and super human qualities often leads to us idolizing sportsman, movie stars and complete trolls like Piers Morgan. We attribute these qualities to these people and turn them into heroes, we let them inspire us and our kids into bettering ourselves and in the midst of their glory we forget that even Superman is afraid of kryptonite.

The guy who helps the blind old lady across the street, the varsity student who donates a rand for every kilometer she runs in a marathon to charity, the selfless nurse who wakes up every morning to work in a hospital for a low salary, the thousands who dress up in black to support action against violent crime, the car guard who spends his whole day in the sun hoping for tips that might not come instead of turning to crime to make an honest living, those are the heroes we should look to for inspiration, everyday people like you and I who aren’t perfect and don’t try to be perfect.

Tiger Woods, Oscar Pistorius, Lance Armstrong and all these other so called heroes all end of their day in the toilet when they eat All Bran they are after all just human…let us all fight the good fight against violent crime and domestic violence.

 

@The_Don_maphz 

I don't hate fat people...

Please read as if you are sober and intelligent. First blog of the year I trust you all made it into 2013 with all your limbs intact and have set your resolutions and all that other corny stuff. I have a couple of those a detailed 3 pages of them actually, but perhaps the most important one is that I want to stop fucking swearing in this bitch blog.

A lot has happened since I was last here so let’s get right to it then; ANC went to Mangaung and reelected Jacob of Nkandla as president, couple of weeks later he then went and hit the world with another one of his great quotes: “I hope an African team wins the Afcon” the most intelligent amongst us were baffled by this comment really Mr. Jacob of Nkandla as opposed to what?  Afghanistan?

While the conference was going South Africa’s favorite son decided to try force a comeback into the spot light Julius Malema wrote a letter of apology to the ANC asking to be reinstated. I am sure Gwede Mantashe and Cyril Ramaphosa stuck it on the wall and used it to play darts while laughing at Kgalime Motlante over buffalo meat and traditional beer before they sent the official presidential bitch to send a response which read and I quote “fuck you fat kid hahahahahaha….hahahahahahaha…hahahahahahahaha” (ok I made that up but you get the point).

 Americans: crazy gun carrying bustards, who eat McDonalds get fat and shoot innocent kids, nothing new there then? Actually if we teach Lindi “Eat-That” Mazibuko how to use a gun she would fit right in there. We could hire an old school oil tanker to take her there (we all know she can’t fit in an airplane) fuck it a ship would probably sink instantly with all that mass though, so we are stuck with her how unfortunate the food she eats alone for supper could feed all the striking farmers in the Western Cape for a month.

In more current shenanigans billionaire tycoon Patrice Motsepe announced earlier in the week he is giving half of the money generated by his assets to charity to help the poor erhm just in case he is reading this I am quite the charity case myself and could use a few extra quid to get myself an Albanian stripper for my birthday later this month.

I got woken up by a screaming drunk flat mate so I am going back to bed now this is all I have for you for now. By the way I don’t hate fat people but they should fucking going to the gym that’s what Chinese people made bloody gyms for.

Follow me on twitter

 @The_Don_maphz 

Coleslaw, beetroot and Mcdonalds

“Life is like swimming; 1^st you put on a speedo then”… alright alright alright it’s not done yet but I’m sure all of you can see I am onto something deep here Gandhi type of philosophy. While I ponder the ending to my Gandhi inspired quote here is a little something to tickle your brains and make you throw ice cubes at the sun in anger.

Now I like Lindiwe Mazibuko I think she’s a fat bitch who needs to lay off the MacDonald’s and hit the gym for a few months very learned politician with a big belly I mean bright future. In fact unless she decides to be the lead actress for “Big Girls Gone Even Bigger: the porn parody” she will most likely take over from madam Helen Zille as the president of the Democratic Alliance, but then again she does look like Zuma’s type so you never know what could happen papa Jacob is always looking for a new bride to add to his LARGE collection (pun intended).  2 weeks ago she confronted the president on the Nkandla palace shenanigans, which is fine it would be weird if she didn’t, but god dammit did her parents not teach her how to speak to adults? My mother would drag me back home kicking and screaming from parliament to give me a good spanking if she saw me speak to a man 30years my senior like Lindi did 2 weeks ago but then again my mother wouldn’t let me eat as a hobby either. I guess people are different it’s nice to see that the opposition isn’t just letting this Nkandla thing go though we need more people to ask the correct questions that public needs answered as long as those questions are asked in an appropriate way. P.S I still think all politicians are rotten scum who just want to get paid and fuck the rest of us over.

Definitely his type 

other wives

A couple of months ago I wrote a blog aboutwrestling matches and speedos well the time for the big fight is almost upon us. WE are going to manguang soon. Zuma will probably take the top position and Cyril will be his deputy. I would have liked to see Motlante retain his position or become president but let’s be honest with ourselves there’s a better chance of winning a game of spot the virgin in a whore house than that happening which is a pity he seems like the one guy with a cool head in the ANC. The one positive thing that will come out of this conference is that it will be the end of Tokyo “Money in my studio” Sexwale. His ability as a business man admirable but as a minister he has failed and his alliance with Juju...well need I say more? How I wish we could just throw all of them in a boxing ring (why are they called rings when they are actually squares?) and make them battle it out for the top positions with a fight to the death, this could work beautifully in South Africa because unlike the United States our politicians aren’t intelligent enough to hold debatesL.    

Right that’s all for you lot today don’t know when I will be back here again as I am busy working at a construction site so merry Christmas and all that other cliché stuff I hope my white friends enjoy their gifts and getaways to fancy places and black people well you know the usual drill coleslaw, beetroot, homemade fried chicken, homemade custard and jelly with ice cream for dessert is all you are getting on the 25^th, just make sure you exercise afterwards don’t wanna be looking like old Lindi Mazimazi.

FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER: @The_Don_maphz