Mothers Beat Your Brats

Mothers beat your brats: as soon as that brat turns three and is old enough to comprehend what a beating is, beat a sensible moral code into that brat! Invest in a leather belt made of dinosaur skin sprinkled with ash from a fire breathing dragon’s mouth. While we are on the topic of fire breathing dragons; mothers can you please educate your kids about the importance of brushing their teeth and showering in the morning before going to school or work. There is nothing more irritating than sitting next to a person who smells like they’ve been trapped in a war zone in middle earth for 3 years, 2 months and 9 days, deprived of water because Lindi Mazibuko drank it all Gandalf feels like being a complete bustard and wants everybody to stink.  Fuck you Gandalf! Mothers if your kid doesn’t like water beat that dirt and smell out of them every morning till they fall in love with water! Do it for humanity!

It’s kind of pointless writing a blog about rape considering the majority of the offenders probably aren’t intelligent enough to read, [Insert joke about Jacob of Nkandla’s rape case here] but it is an issue that cannot be ignored particularly since today is international women’s day. A vital step in the transition from boy to man is the ability to look at a woman and see more than a piece of live meat waiting for you to pounce on, women are not prey, they aren’t there to entertain horny douchebags whose moral code only points south. The clothes she wears, the amount of alcohol in her system, her sexual orientation or even the sweet seductive smell of her perfume are not an excuse for you to force yourself on her (buy some porn and jerk off it’s really simple). As for the people who believe women ask to get raped, back in the day my great (x16) grandfather’s friend Julius Ceaser had a name for people like you; that word was cunts…matter of fact now that I think about it that’s still the word. I read a tweet earlier which went something along the lines of getting raped is like being murdered and being forced to live afterwards. Now to think that there are people who believe somebody could ask for that amount of emotional and physical pain shows there is very little hope for mankind, that kind of ignorance is the reason Lindi doesn’t gym and Gedliyehlekisa doesn’t read his speeches before he delivers them. 

A family member of mine suggested mob justice is the only solution to minimizing rape and to a certain degree he might be correct but perhaps the death penalty or maybe even a capable police force might help? Who am I kidding this is South Africa we are better off hoping Dumbledore takes some time off from Hogwarts and makes the journey south to collect these rapists so he can lock them up in a cage with Lord Voldemort in Azkaban.

Mothers beat your brats all the way to the shower! Perhaps Mr. Baggins needs some company to come along with him on his mission to reclaim the land of the dwarfs I am sure he won’t mind the awkward smell as much as we do up here!

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This might be a little deep

All bran cereal is probably the single most expensive food out there, for those of you who are familiar with Maphz’s economic theory of rational probability and statistical analysis of biological processes you will know why. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the theory Sir Isaac Newton and I worked on while apples were falling from trees let me explain…buying all bran means you also need to buy toilet paper, which means you need to use the water closet hence using water to flush erm (cough cough) your excessive weight down and contrary to popular belief water isn’t free, but you also need to wash your hands more frequently with hand-wash, you also can’t really do your business in the dark can you? So Eskom gets a cut, let me not mention the air fresheners…I don’t really know where this is going but I guess all I am trying to say is high fibre cereal makes you shit a lot.

Valentine’s Day came and went and with it took the virginity of unsuspecting young girls who have been ignored since giving it up. More significantly however the “Blade Gunner” (as he is now known) shot down his girlfriend at 4am sending the whole of cyberspace into turmoil (I always knew the twat was an attention seeker he could have shot her on any other day). I am sure everybody is aware of what happened by now (if you aren’t kindly go fuck yourself because your complete ignorance to what’s happening around you isn’t needed in this lame excuse of a blog).  William Shakespeare is perhaps the most underrated intellectual of all time, his ability to capture all facets of human emotions and translate them into plays/stories that would remain relevant decades after his passing is a skill that the most educated professors will never possess. Oscars fall from beloved athlete to murderous criminal can be compared to Othello’s decline from valiant war hero to a murderous psychopath who takes the life of his own wife due to uncontrolled rage.

Superman, Batman, Hulk, Ironman and perhaps even Harvey Spector are all a result of an inherent human quality to have heroes and idols which we look up to for inspiration, the very fabric of human nature means we are constantly looking for super heroes who exhibit qualities our imperfect human forms could never have. These characters only exist in movies, television and comic books but our need for individuals with unparalleled moral codes and super human qualities often leads to us idolizing sportsman, movie stars and complete trolls like Piers Morgan. We attribute these qualities to these people and turn them into heroes, we let them inspire us and our kids into bettering ourselves and in the midst of their glory we forget that even Superman is afraid of kryptonite.

The guy who helps the blind old lady across the street, the varsity student who donates a rand for every kilometer she runs in a marathon to charity, the selfless nurse who wakes up every morning to work in a hospital for a low salary, the thousands who dress up in black to support action against violent crime, the car guard who spends his whole day in the sun hoping for tips that might not come instead of turning to crime to make an honest living, those are the heroes we should look to for inspiration, everyday people like you and I who aren’t perfect and don’t try to be perfect.

Tiger Woods, Oscar Pistorius, Lance Armstrong and all these other so called heroes all end of their day in the toilet when they eat All Bran they are after all just human…let us all fight the good fight against violent crime and domestic violence.

 

@The_Don_maphz 

I don't hate fat people...

Please read as if you are sober and intelligent. First blog of the year I trust you all made it into 2013 with all your limbs intact and have set your resolutions and all that other corny stuff. I have a couple of those a detailed 3 pages of them actually, but perhaps the most important one is that I want to stop fucking swearing in this bitch blog.

A lot has happened since I was last here so let’s get right to it then; ANC went to Mangaung and reelected Jacob of Nkandla as president, couple of weeks later he then went and hit the world with another one of his great quotes: “I hope an African team wins the Afcon” the most intelligent amongst us were baffled by this comment really Mr. Jacob of Nkandla as opposed to what?  Afghanistan?

While the conference was going South Africa’s favorite son decided to try force a comeback into the spot light Julius Malema wrote a letter of apology to the ANC asking to be reinstated. I am sure Gwede Mantashe and Cyril Ramaphosa stuck it on the wall and used it to play darts while laughing at Kgalime Motlante over buffalo meat and traditional beer before they sent the official presidential bitch to send a response which read and I quote “fuck you fat kid hahahahahaha….hahahahahahaha…hahahahahahahaha” (ok I made that up but you get the point).

 Americans: crazy gun carrying bustards, who eat McDonalds get fat and shoot innocent kids, nothing new there then? Actually if we teach Lindi “Eat-That” Mazibuko how to use a gun she would fit right in there. We could hire an old school oil tanker to take her there (we all know she can’t fit in an airplane) fuck it a ship would probably sink instantly with all that mass though, so we are stuck with her how unfortunate the food she eats alone for supper could feed all the striking farmers in the Western Cape for a month.

In more current shenanigans billionaire tycoon Patrice Motsepe announced earlier in the week he is giving half of the money generated by his assets to charity to help the poor erhm just in case he is reading this I am quite the charity case myself and could use a few extra quid to get myself an Albanian stripper for my birthday later this month.

I got woken up by a screaming drunk flat mate so I am going back to bed now this is all I have for you for now. By the way I don’t hate fat people but they should fucking going to the gym that’s what Chinese people made bloody gyms for.

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 @The_Don_maphz 

Coleslaw, beetroot and Mcdonalds

“Life is like swimming; 1^st you put on a speedo then”… alright alright alright it’s not done yet but I’m sure all of you can see I am onto something deep here Gandhi type of philosophy. While I ponder the ending to my Gandhi inspired quote here is a little something to tickle your brains and make you throw ice cubes at the sun in anger.

Now I like Lindiwe Mazibuko I think she’s a fat bitch who needs to lay off the MacDonald’s and hit the gym for a few months very learned politician with a big belly I mean bright future. In fact unless she decides to be the lead actress for “Big Girls Gone Even Bigger: the porn parody” she will most likely take over from madam Helen Zille as the president of the Democratic Alliance, but then again she does look like Zuma’s type so you never know what could happen papa Jacob is always looking for a new bride to add to his LARGE collection (pun intended).  2 weeks ago she confronted the president on the Nkandla palace shenanigans, which is fine it would be weird if she didn’t, but god dammit did her parents not teach her how to speak to adults? My mother would drag me back home kicking and screaming from parliament to give me a good spanking if she saw me speak to a man 30years my senior like Lindi did 2 weeks ago but then again my mother wouldn’t let me eat as a hobby either. I guess people are different it’s nice to see that the opposition isn’t just letting this Nkandla thing go though we need more people to ask the correct questions that public needs answered as long as those questions are asked in an appropriate way. P.S I still think all politicians are rotten scum who just want to get paid and fuck the rest of us over.

Definitely his type 

other wives

A couple of months ago I wrote a blog aboutwrestling matches and speedos well the time for the big fight is almost upon us. WE are going to manguang soon. Zuma will probably take the top position and Cyril will be his deputy. I would have liked to see Motlante retain his position or become president but let’s be honest with ourselves there’s a better chance of winning a game of spot the virgin in a whore house than that happening which is a pity he seems like the one guy with a cool head in the ANC. The one positive thing that will come out of this conference is that it will be the end of Tokyo “Money in my studio” Sexwale. His ability as a business man admirable but as a minister he has failed and his alliance with Juju...well need I say more? How I wish we could just throw all of them in a boxing ring (why are they called rings when they are actually squares?) and make them battle it out for the top positions with a fight to the death, this could work beautifully in South Africa because unlike the United States our politicians aren’t intelligent enough to hold debatesL.    

Right that’s all for you lot today don’t know when I will be back here again as I am busy working at a construction site so merry Christmas and all that other cliché stuff I hope my white friends enjoy their gifts and getaways to fancy places and black people well you know the usual drill coleslaw, beetroot, homemade fried chicken, homemade custard and jelly with ice cream for dessert is all you are getting on the 25^th, just make sure you exercise afterwards don’t wanna be looking like old Lindi Mazimazi.

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#WhatYouCouldDoWith203M

You are sitting at home watching an episode of Ed, Edd and Eddy to a bowl of coco pops and banana juice wearing your favorite Pinky and the Brain boxers. All of a sudden a R203 million cheque flies in from the heavens through your window because god loves you and wants you to build a mansion in your rural home be happy.

 #WhatCouldYouDoWith203M lets crunch the numbers you know because we all just love our calculators and doing math. A decent primary school costs about R7000 a year multiply that by 7 years and you get 49k. A top of the range semi-private school (e.g. Glenwood, Westville, DHS) costs about 40K a year using a lot of complicated logarithms and computational mathematics you get 200k for a total of 5 years. The top university in Africa costs about 92K a year for the average student (including a decent laptop, printing fees, internet etc.) multiply that by 4 for the average degree and you get 368k. This all yields a total of around 620k. What do all these numbers mean? It means for the same amount of tax payers money used to build the presidential cunt’s royal home I could take 330 students and give them the very best education this country has to offer at no cost to the parents. It means I could fund 330 new engineers for the country or 330 new accountants or 330 new physicists…you get the point.

#WhatElseCouldIDoWith203M Poverty: a chicken and mayo sandwich costs around R14 add in a small fruit juice for R7. Now hungry people love chicken and mayo sandwiches with banana juice, because we love hungry people so much we are going to buy them more chicken at nandos for dinner quarter chicken and chips special for R36. Since we are busy giving these hungry bustards free lunch and dinner lets give them a box of coco pops and milk for breakfast as well at a combined R50.  What this means is I could give 1897196 hungry people good food for a day (top of the range good food at that) 

What is the point of all these numbers? Simple the president is fucking us! He might as well walk into our houses with baby oil and durex lub bend us over and hook us up from behind! R203 mill? Wait let me rewrite that for you R203 000 000! R203x10⁶! I could pay for a lot of lap dances for my friend who loves strippers with that kind of tax payer’s money. I could pay for a life’s time subscription to Ed, Edd and Eddy comic books (doesn’t the president know Ed, Edd and Eddy is the absolute shit!).

The excuse given by Mac Maharaj the president’s official bitch spokesman was that its necessary for the presidents visitors and a lot of other nonsense. Which brings me to my next point why don’t we have our equivalent of the white house? If every president who comes in decides to build a R203 000 000 mansion when they take over we are in for a serious screwing over. Let’s build one house owned by the state where the guy stays and conducts all his presidential screwing over business while he is president, as soon as his term is over we send him back to where ever he came from in a taxi and let the next guy move in.

A word to you Mr. President next time you decide to spend so much of our money on yourself how about you buy us some red wine and dinner you know because we all like to get wined and dined before we get fucked!

Follow me on twitter The_Don_maphz 

VERY STRONG LANGUAGE 35L

Rick Ross is a fat bastard. Usain Bolt is a talented arrogant prick with long legs.  Kim Kardashian is a hoe. Donald Trump is a dick and Piers Morgan needs to stop PMSing over Robin Van Pussy/Pursy Persie joining the red half of Manchester (insert joke about money grabbing scum claiming to be moving for ambition here). You don’t have to agree with anything I write here this is after all my blog and not yours if you want your own blog they are free to make fuck off and go make one. Now onto the reason for this post a list of the top ten inhabitants of cuntingville according to me the owner of this blog.

10. Coming in at number 10 we have the idiots who support that red team from Manchester with the purple nosed manager who British people seem to call sir unless that Scottish red faced clown named ferguson taught me in high school without my knowledge I have no reason to call him sir! Anyway “Men United” has arguably the most annoying, bias, loud and retarded fans in sport testimony to that is the fact that most of them still believe David Beckham still plays for them, but then again anybody who finds anything honorable in a guy who had an affair with his brother’s wife is a cunt!

9. Barak Obama fuck him glorified black man who hasn’t done shit since he got into office now I am all for black power and all that other revolutionary shit but really how is this guy different to Bush? 3^rd world countries are rich places abundant in resources but plutocracies run by people like Obama and Bush are the reason people are still hungry all over the world did I mention how they killed Gaddafi for oil and yet let other goons like Mugabe do as they please simply because they have no resources for them to take over? Fuck him!

8. John Terry: racist scum bag chowed his team mates girlfriend! Fuck him!

7. The Kardashians their rise to fame is based on one of them making a sex tape with a one hit wonder RnB singer. Somebody explain to me what exactly they are still doing on tv? Watching bees pollinate sunflowers is more entertaining than keeping up with the Cunt-ashians.

6. Dolphins and Unicorns yes I know they aren’t people but really we all know they are just gay sharks and gay rhinos. Oh yeah you could add in butterflies there as well gay colorful moths who like roses and sunlight. Fuck them!

5.The South African police when gunmen with actual guns and serious weapons are robbing banks they are nowhere to be found but when a couple of innocents are striking for an increase in wages oh no they get serious and pull out bazookas and rocket launchers to calm them down absolute cuntary!

4. Male Porn actors you really wanna ruin that beautifuls girl face by busting off on her face? Really you can’t put that shit on her stomach or anywhere else?  But I guess you are teaching kids how to prevent teenage pregnancies instead of leaving a mess inside her leave that shit on her face!!

3. Flamboyant gay people I don’t have an issue with people who like pipes up their behind but when you walk around in hot pants and pink umbrellas wearing a shirt with a knot exposing your belly button then we have an issue. It’s not like you see straight people walking around screaming around at everybody about how proud they are of being straight do you? We get it you like the bugga-bugga from behind no need to let us know! DICKS!!

2.   Internet thugs/gangsters/bad-ass-motherfuckers/boxers/kick-boxers. You give a lad a computer and an internet connection and all of a sudden he turns into Brock Lesner or Manny Pacquio they are everywhere news websites, blogs, facebook everywhere! We all know you are a 13 year old who jerks off to Paris Hilton sex tapes internet thugs we see you!

1. Which brings us to number 1 I thought about this for 3 whole minutes before I decided on who takes the title as president of Cuntigville and when I thought about it only one group could really take it…JESUS FREAKS( a term used to describe condescending Christian people who walk around judging everybody and convincing why their shit is right and everybody besides them is going to hell and it is wrong to judge people) . Now I don’t have an issue with religious people I love Muslim people I love Buddists I even love Christians and Jews , but jesus freaks fuck them! Eid Mubarak is happening muslim people are celebrating and enjoying it by themselves not bothering anyone. Diwali will come the samething will happen bar there will be fireworks, wait till Christmas comes the jesus freaks will be out in full foprce telling me us jesus died on water and walked on caves and I am going to hell because I judge couldn’t be bothered by what they believe in if you wanna believe in that stuff it’s cool nobody cares but as soon as you are trying to convince everybody you are right that’s when we have problems I don’t walk around forcing my beliefs on you! Imagine what the world would be like if everybody went around forcing each other to believe in stuff there weren’t interested in.  Take a note from all the other religions (or even some Christians) Jesus freaks get on with your shit and leave everybody else out of it…until then fuck all of you cunts!!