Obama taking a piss

I reckon this the best and worst time to live in depending on whether you are a cup half full or half empty kind of person.the internet and social networks provide us with such a large amount of information its hard to process it all. Where is back in the day you needed to read a newspaper or watch the news to find out about George W bombing Iraq all you have to do these days is log onto twitter and your timeline is flooded with all sorts of news in an instant from Miley twerking to Obama taking a piss on the white house lawn, before his piss even reaches the ground. People who have never read a book in their lives feel this need to 'reckon' as soon as the latest topic they know nothing about trends on twitter. They 'reckon' Obama shouldn't attack Syria, they 'reckon' the National Development Plan is useless, they 'reckon' Oscar is guilty (I guess everybody 'reckoned' themselves a law degree). The problem with always 'reckoning' we need to know what you 'reckon' about something you know nothing about is that you come off as a cunt.There's nothing wrong with having an informed opinion or asking the correct questions in order to get informed, but when you 'reckon' you can make an informed opinion on stuff you know nothing about simply because it's 'trending' I 'reckon' you should reconsider the way you use the internet. 

While we are on the topic of trending topics, Cyril Ramaphosa was at Wits University earlier this week to inform the students there about the National Development Plan and as usual the geniuses of twitter decided to inform all of us how useless it is and how unrealistic it is. I had the opportunity of interacting with Trevor Manuel last year and spoke to him about one of the issues the NDP is trying to address by the year 2030 and although I don't really want to get into it the details on the NDP it is sad that South Africans who probably haven't bothered to even read the executive summary of the NDP have already begun to criticize and reject it simply because it comes from the government. In a country that is filled with so much negativity politically I personally think this is the 1 thing every South African should participate in and at least get familiar with. Even if all the targets and/or goals aren't meant if the country as a whole can all be focused into working on this one goal there is a lot we can achieve as a nation in the fight against poverty. If the NDP says we need to create 10 jobs by the year 4000 and we all get together and try to make that happen and we end up creating 8 we have done a lot more than just sitting around behind our keyboards and 'reckoning' the NDP is useless. Being allowed to vote and electing our own leaders democratically means nothing when the costs of living are still keeping the majority of our people trapped in financial chains locked into appalling living conditions while a select few enjoy the advantages of 'freedom'. Immortal Technique said "Democracy is just a word when the people are starving" if the NDP is attempting to give a solution all the cunthounds out there should stop the cuntary and keep and open mind.

While we are on the topic of South Africa, the South African soccer team Bafumbler-Bafumbler lost to Zimbabwe this week. In a country that just hosted the world cup and was left millions of dollars to invest in development and footballing infrastructure it is inexcusable to be losing to (with complete disrespect to Zimbabwe) teams of that level. Our two other main sporting codes cricket and rugby are consistently near at the very top of the world rankings, yet the scumbags running the administration fail to address the need to implement proper development structures at grass roots level to the most popular sport in the country. Instead Sedibe and co keep embarrassing us by being involved in match fixing investigations and a lack of knowledge for the rules surely I am not the only fan who feels the day of 'reckoning' has come for the whole SAFA administration, if we keep going like this it will be another 150 years till we participate in an international competition and even then it will be due to us being hosts.

I reckon you should follow me on twitter

@Lord_Maphz

Black People fix yourselves

Lets not beat around the bush and get straight to the point, your cuntary coefficient ( a highly complicated mathematical derivation based on the biological similarity between the average man’s DNA and John Terry’s-ultimate cunt- Newton and I came up with it on our visit to Bolivia) is multiplied by 9.5 the moment you decide to publish an open letter. You’re a dick who probably listens to LL COOLJ while jerking yourself off in front of a mirror, that’s my feeling towards all these cunts who are publishing all kinds of open letters to all different kinds of people. What has anybody ever achieved by writing an open letter? What great things have been achieved by writing an open letter? Can you imagine where we would be if people like Ghandi and Luther-King had just sat there writing open letters instead of going out there and making their (constructive) views heard in an effective manner?

This is the age of the internet-thug, key-board warriors, twitter-heroes who sit behind their computers all day in white underpants with a bowl of cereal on their lap and a 1997 poster of Pamela Anderson on their wall which they jerk off too every night when they are done chucking open letters and insulting people on twitter.  If you don’t like somebody’s tweets there’s a very effective tool called an un-follow button, there’s no need to be a cunt about things, I don't want to read about your silly feuds when I log onto my news site to read actual important news. 

US President Barack Obama was in Africa last week, admittedly I haven’t the foggiest notation of an idea as to why he was here but what I do know is that his visit cost American tax payers close to a $100 000 000 US. I wasn't able to find out how much it cost South African tax payers but I know if it was President Jacob Zuma who had spent that much on a visit to the US the very same people who were thrilled at President Obama’s visit tweeting all kinds of swear words and demanding tickets to Australia ( which they cannot afford ).

While we are on the topic of foreign presidents and stuff our propensity as South Africans to idolize anything foreign really baffles me, we are so desperate to praise anything foreign we are willing to praise a man who has done nothing for Africa or more specifically South Africa. We are willing to pay R800 or R900 to watch a cold play or Kanye West concert but we won’t pay R10 to see the Parlotones or Proverb. South Africans know more about Adolf Hitler and Stalin then they do about Oliver Tambo and Walter Sisulu. People will laugh at other South Africans for making grammatical errors and having “comrade” accents in English but the very same South Africans find French, Spanish and Portuguese grammatical errors and accents sexy. I like social networks just as much as the next guy they provide a portal in which we can communicate with people we would otherwise never have been able to interact with but at the same time you also can’t ignore the negativity which platforms such as twitter and Facebook spread.

Instead of embracing social networks as a way for our fellow black South Africans to get stuck into the language and learn by interacting with people who are proficient in the language my fellow black people (actually you aren't my people so fuck you) will transform into comedians as soon as a fellow South African makes a grammatical error. Before you make fun of somebody for not being able to speak/write the language properly perhaps you should ask yourself why they aren't

as fluent as you are. You look good to your friends for 5 minutes but you scar the person on the other side of your comedy for life.  Where have you ever seen an Afrikaans person make fun of FW De Klerk for his thick Afrikaans accent? How many times have we seen black people make fun of other black people for how they speak?

Let’s not forget the other tendency black people have of terming things as “ghetto” what exactly quantifies ghetto? I was called ghetto because I eat porridge in the morning instead of cereal. These people who are going around calling people ghetto (as if living in the ghetto is a choice or an indication of a lack of intellect) and laughing at people’s accents I have a question for you…How many of your parents and grandparents grew up in Sandton or Clifton? Do all your aunts and uncles speak the kind of English that will have the queen of England screaming in orgasmic pleasure? I didn't think so…

Follow me on twitter: Lord_Maphz

Pointless...

Nelson Mandela did not stay in prison for 27 years without 2 ply toilet paper for dudes to get bat and attitude from grenades who look like they could be substitutes for the zombies in Michael Jackson’s thriller music video. It’s simple really if you are nice to me I am nice to you it doesn’t matter whether you are pink, gay, blue, black, vote for the DA,  think John Terry is a despicable human being it’s as simple as that you are nice to me I am nice to you. Of course there will be the self righteous amongst you who will read this and think “he is so vulgar” or “why is he so offensive” well how about you take your self-righteous self and fuck right off to news24 because this is not a news site I am not here to be politically correct expecting me to care about how offended you are or how sensitive your feelings are is like trying to get a blowjob from Mother Teresa during a church service…pointless

Elections in 2014 and as usual the scumbags in politics have started with their campaigns and lies to get us to vote for them. I will be honest and say to you I have better things to do on a public holiday than standing in long lines to put people in power who are just there to fuck me over and spend my taxes on buying fancy vehicles and hiring Russian strippers. I couldn’t be arsed about Lindi being angry about a new McDonalds opening in Nkandla before her village gets one. If Juju and Jacob of Nkandla want to argue about who Helen gave head to first then let them go right ahead nobody cares! But for fuck-sakes do not involve Nelson Mandela in your petty arguments you can screw the rest of us over without involving the old man in your stupid arguments absolute cuntary I tell you…oh for those of you who think I have no right to complain about the social injustice of this country because I would rather lie at the beach than vote I have this to say to you…just because I don’t choose the springbok side doesn’t mean I can’t complain when Pier Spies plays like a man possessed by fairies and pink ponies.  Matter of fact trying to convince me to vote is like trying to convince a man with no arms to climb a 10 feet ladder on an incline…pointless

Met an American girl earlier this week I can’t trust that woman! Well for one she is American this is a country which made George W. president and doesn’t  allow kids to eat kinder chocolate eggs but allows its people to drive around in tanks and own grenade launchers as hobbies . I’m getting side tracked the main reason I don’t trust that woman is because she doesn’t like bacon! What kind of a normal non-Muslim human being doesn’t like bacon? People who don’t like bacon have either never eaten bacon in or they are wrong! It’s a public holiday so I am going to spend the day trying to figure out what exactly it is that I am good at but then again that’s like trying to convince white people that rhinos and dogs aren’t as important as people…FUCKING POINTLESS

Follow me on twitter @Lord_maphz

Mothers Beat Your Brats

Mothers beat your brats: as soon as that brat turns three and is old enough to comprehend what a beating is, beat a sensible moral code into that brat! Invest in a leather belt made of dinosaur skin sprinkled with ash from a fire breathing dragon’s mouth. While we are on the topic of fire breathing dragons; mothers can you please educate your kids about the importance of brushing their teeth and showering in the morning before going to school or work. There is nothing more irritating than sitting next to a person who smells like they’ve been trapped in a war zone in middle earth for 3 years, 2 months and 9 days, deprived of water because Lindi Mazibuko drank it all Gandalf feels like being a complete bustard and wants everybody to stink.  Fuck you Gandalf! Mothers if your kid doesn’t like water beat that dirt and smell out of them every morning till they fall in love with water! Do it for humanity!

It’s kind of pointless writing a blog about rape considering the majority of the offenders probably aren’t intelligent enough to read, [Insert joke about Jacob of Nkandla’s rape case here] but it is an issue that cannot be ignored particularly since today is international women’s day. A vital step in the transition from boy to man is the ability to look at a woman and see more than a piece of live meat waiting for you to pounce on, women are not prey, they aren’t there to entertain horny douchebags whose moral code only points south. The clothes she wears, the amount of alcohol in her system, her sexual orientation or even the sweet seductive smell of her perfume are not an excuse for you to force yourself on her (buy some porn and jerk off it’s really simple). As for the people who believe women ask to get raped, back in the day my great (x16) grandfather’s friend Julius Ceaser had a name for people like you; that word was cunts…matter of fact now that I think about it that’s still the word. I read a tweet earlier which went something along the lines of getting raped is like being murdered and being forced to live afterwards. Now to think that there are people who believe somebody could ask for that amount of emotional and physical pain shows there is very little hope for mankind, that kind of ignorance is the reason Lindi doesn’t gym and Gedliyehlekisa doesn’t read his speeches before he delivers them. 

A family member of mine suggested mob justice is the only solution to minimizing rape and to a certain degree he might be correct but perhaps the death penalty or maybe even a capable police force might help? Who am I kidding this is South Africa we are better off hoping Dumbledore takes some time off from Hogwarts and makes the journey south to collect these rapists so he can lock them up in a cage with Lord Voldemort in Azkaban.

Mothers beat your brats all the way to the shower! Perhaps Mr. Baggins needs some company to come along with him on his mission to reclaim the land of the dwarfs I am sure he won’t mind the awkward smell as much as we do up here!

Follow me on twitter: @Lord_maphz

This might be a little deep

All bran cereal is probably the single most expensive food out there, for those of you who are familiar with Maphz’s economic theory of rational probability and statistical analysis of biological processes you will know why. For those of you who aren’t familiar with the theory Sir Isaac Newton and I worked on while apples were falling from trees let me explain…buying all bran means you also need to buy toilet paper, which means you need to use the water closet hence using water to flush erm (cough cough) your excessive weight down and contrary to popular belief water isn’t free, but you also need to wash your hands more frequently with hand-wash, you also can’t really do your business in the dark can you? So Eskom gets a cut, let me not mention the air fresheners…I don’t really know where this is going but I guess all I am trying to say is high fibre cereal makes you shit a lot.

Valentine’s Day came and went and with it took the virginity of unsuspecting young girls who have been ignored since giving it up. More significantly however the “Blade Gunner” (as he is now known) shot down his girlfriend at 4am sending the whole of cyberspace into turmoil (I always knew the twat was an attention seeker he could have shot her on any other day). I am sure everybody is aware of what happened by now (if you aren’t kindly go fuck yourself because your complete ignorance to what’s happening around you isn’t needed in this lame excuse of a blog).  William Shakespeare is perhaps the most underrated intellectual of all time, his ability to capture all facets of human emotions and translate them into plays/stories that would remain relevant decades after his passing is a skill that the most educated professors will never possess. Oscars fall from beloved athlete to murderous criminal can be compared to Othello’s decline from valiant war hero to a murderous psychopath who takes the life of his own wife due to uncontrolled rage.

Superman, Batman, Hulk, Ironman and perhaps even Harvey Spector are all a result of an inherent human quality to have heroes and idols which we look up to for inspiration, the very fabric of human nature means we are constantly looking for super heroes who exhibit qualities our imperfect human forms could never have. These characters only exist in movies, television and comic books but our need for individuals with unparalleled moral codes and super human qualities often leads to us idolizing sportsman, movie stars and complete trolls like Piers Morgan. We attribute these qualities to these people and turn them into heroes, we let them inspire us and our kids into bettering ourselves and in the midst of their glory we forget that even Superman is afraid of kryptonite.

The guy who helps the blind old lady across the street, the varsity student who donates a rand for every kilometer she runs in a marathon to charity, the selfless nurse who wakes up every morning to work in a hospital for a low salary, the thousands who dress up in black to support action against violent crime, the car guard who spends his whole day in the sun hoping for tips that might not come instead of turning to crime to make an honest living, those are the heroes we should look to for inspiration, everyday people like you and I who aren’t perfect and don’t try to be perfect.

Tiger Woods, Oscar Pistorius, Lance Armstrong and all these other so called heroes all end of their day in the toilet when they eat All Bran they are after all just human…let us all fight the good fight against violent crime and domestic violence.

 

@The_Don_maphz 

I don't hate fat people...

Please read as if you are sober and intelligent. First blog of the year I trust you all made it into 2013 with all your limbs intact and have set your resolutions and all that other corny stuff. I have a couple of those a detailed 3 pages of them actually, but perhaps the most important one is that I want to stop fucking swearing in this bitch blog.

A lot has happened since I was last here so let’s get right to it then; ANC went to Mangaung and reelected Jacob of Nkandla as president, couple of weeks later he then went and hit the world with another one of his great quotes: “I hope an African team wins the Afcon” the most intelligent amongst us were baffled by this comment really Mr. Jacob of Nkandla as opposed to what?  Afghanistan?

While the conference was going South Africa’s favorite son decided to try force a comeback into the spot light Julius Malema wrote a letter of apology to the ANC asking to be reinstated. I am sure Gwede Mantashe and Cyril Ramaphosa stuck it on the wall and used it to play darts while laughing at Kgalime Motlante over buffalo meat and traditional beer before they sent the official presidential bitch to send a response which read and I quote “fuck you fat kid hahahahahaha….hahahahahahaha…hahahahahahahaha” (ok I made that up but you get the point).

 Americans: crazy gun carrying bustards, who eat McDonalds get fat and shoot innocent kids, nothing new there then? Actually if we teach Lindi “Eat-That” Mazibuko how to use a gun she would fit right in there. We could hire an old school oil tanker to take her there (we all know she can’t fit in an airplane) fuck it a ship would probably sink instantly with all that mass though, so we are stuck with her how unfortunate the food she eats alone for supper could feed all the striking farmers in the Western Cape for a month.

In more current shenanigans billionaire tycoon Patrice Motsepe announced earlier in the week he is giving half of the money generated by his assets to charity to help the poor erhm just in case he is reading this I am quite the charity case myself and could use a few extra quid to get myself an Albanian stripper for my birthday later this month.

I got woken up by a screaming drunk flat mate so I am going back to bed now this is all I have for you for now. By the way I don’t hate fat people but they should fucking going to the gym that’s what Chinese people made bloody gyms for.

Follow me on twitter

 @The_Don_maphz