Wiwis and Pipis

Boy sees girl, boy approaches girl; Boy: Hi, I would like to stick my pipi in your wiwi. Girl: sure you can stick your pipi in my wiwi. Boy sees girl, boy approaches girl; Boy: Hi, I would like to stick my pipi in your wiwi. Girl: NO! My wiwi belongs to somebody else’s pipi. Boy sees girl, boy approaches girl; Boy: Hi, I would like to stick my pipi in your wiwi. Girl: Go stick your pipi in your left hand (how unfortunate for you if you get this reaction).

This ladies and gentlemen is how the cycle of life works. It’s all about sticking wiwis and pipis inside wiwis and pipis. In order for the sticking of pipis in wiwis to take place both parties have to agree that pipis must be stuck in wiwis or else it can’t work. This is what I call the fundamental theorem of The Don Maphz. Yet there are assholes out there who feel they have the right to go around sticking their shit where it doesn’t belong. The reluctance of those clowns in the blue uniforms and yellow vehicles to do anything about it really does grate my nipples. Last week a girl was raped close to where I stay and I’m pretty sure the useless blue uniformed slugs are yet to make an arrest for the “cuntary” (this might just be the best adjective/adverb/verb/noun or- whatever it is- ever created, inspired of course by the need to describe individuals like Julius, John Terry and Peter De Villiers and all their comical doings) that took place. Nobody loves South Africa more than I do, believe me. No other country in the world can have a pimp motherfucker as president, host the biggest sporting event in the world and still have time to give its people so many public holidays that nobody gives a damn about. I do however think we could learn a great deal from the countries like Saudi Arabia. If somebody sticks their pipi in a wiwi they shouldn’t be sticking it in, we should get a guy with an axe and a large piece of wood and chop his dick off. There, problem solved. No more rape, all peace is restored. Dutch people go back to rugby, black people to soccer, Indian people to fishing and Egyptians to praising Pharaohs and building pyramids.

While we are on Egyptians, apparently there is a debate in the country about passing a law which will allow husbands to stick their pipis in their dead wives wiwis for six hours after their deaths. If you think you read that wrong go to the kitchen have a glass of water and read it again. When you’re done take that glass of water, dash it with some vodka and send it to Egyptian parliament with a lot of weed, because clearly they have run out of issues to discuss and pyramids to build. The world might seriously be coming to an end in 2012 if this is what the individuals tasked with leading their countries spend their time thinking about.

Just when you thought shit couldn’t get any worse, Obama has gone and pissed off the Chinese. The Americans and Philippines have been running military operations over some Chinese place nobody besides the Chinese knows or cares about and our short yellow friends have threatened military action against Obama and his crew. Clearly the idiots in the white house are too occupied attacking countries for oil and eating McDonalds to watch movies, because if they did they would know nobody in their right minds would want to fight against Bruce Lee, Jet Li, or Jackie Chan. There are two billion people in China why o why would you want to make two billion Jet Lis and Jackie Chans angry? Didn’t Obama see what happened to Chuck Norris in Eye of the Dragon?

Interesting fact RIM’s (company that makes blackberry) share price has dropped 75% in the last year and might not even exist in a couple of years due to android and apple taking over the global market so it might be worthwhile to get one of these and catch up with the future before it arrives…

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Jews, cops and vegetables

Its a beautiful country we live in; nice beaches, nice good weather, nice roads good women (evident in the fact that Mr. President just can't get enough of them), but perhaps the nicest thing about this great republic of ours is the fact that people tolerate a lot of crap, no other country in the world has a higher tolerance for utter bull dust than South Africa cause we deal with a lot of shit in this wonderful country of ours I know for a fact if we were in any other country all the "street dwellers" (for the lack of a better P.C word infact fuckk being P.C all the hungry motherfuckers sleeping outside kfc) walking around Cape Town would be eating the privileged peoples dogs (anyone know if they stil have dogs in Ethopia?) but not in this country the "street dwellers" are happy just being hungry there outside scooters they "tolerate" thier growling stomachs and skinny legs, we tolerated Peter De Villiers, the ANC tolerated Julius and we most definately tolerate the useless police.

An interesting event took place in my home town (which I won't say by name because you probably don't know it and I feel like being an absolute cunt about it and because you are South African you will tolerate my absolute cuntary if thats a word) this past week. Elevan chaps armed with AK 47s decided to rob our local ABSA and FNB which are across the road from each other. We've all heard the cliche saying "we live in a country where pizza arrives to your place before the cops do" well it doesn't apply in this case because the useless slugs were at the scene as the crime was taking place and before you start thinking the heroic bustards (emphasis on bustards) saved the day and saved the country thousands or maybe millions of tax payers money by stopping the crime the useless good for nothing incompetent ineffectual rats got into thier government vehicles which we paid for with out tax money ( I'm too young to pay taxes by the way just incase you were wondering) and made a run for it, and I will repeat that just incase you never read properly or you think you never read properly the toothless bustards made a run for it got into their cars started the ignition and ran away to let the 11 lads carry on with thier business, but then again this is a free country maybe the cops were just letting the criminals exercise thier freedom I mean isn't this what Mandela fought for? the right for people to do what they want? FUCK NO! after hearing about this there is no way I am going back to that little town (still not telling you where it is haha *points tongue out of mouth at you*) the jews probably felt safer in Germany during the haulocast than we should with the SAPS but we are South Africans and we tolerate such rubbish with smiles on our faces and sand on our feet.

Speaking off jews, very interesting bunch that crowd is besides the fact they obviously don't like sharing and despise anything that isn't. I think we could all learn something from jews and the way they treat each other, no jew will ever let another jew starve nor let another jew lend money from the bank, or take a dump with no toilet paper, jews look out for thier own if a jew is in financial trouble another jew will bail him out at no charge and will expert no payback in terms of monetary value. There is a real sense of community and belonging amongst the jews. It is no coincidence that 26 percent of South Africa's top hundred rich list consists of jews they always look out for thier own. Earlier in the week th president was talking about rethinking lyrics to struggle songs which are now no longer relevant as there is no longer an enemy that South Africans are fighting against (lying scum I say we are all at war against the useless incompetent policemen) and they only serve to divide the country rather than build and if we are looking to build a community with a common goal of development and progress I think the jews are a perect example of what some of our principles should be based on (note I say SOME no need to go all jew on me next time I ask you for a rand in a stick situation, the irony in that).

Just incase you care and were wondering its Estcourt (not such a cunt now hey?). Thats all for this week little brain teaser for you smart individuals with nothing to think about, if vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

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Voodoo Dolls, Mufasa and hot water

Hello all, the anticipation of a second blog must have had you all sitting on the edge of your seats, biting your nails waiting in anticipation as if your are a five year old watching The Lion King for the first time wondering if Mufasa will get up after falling from the cliff with Simba desperately trying to wake him up ( tear shedding moment when he doesn't hey?) no? doesn't really matter you're reading anyway. I do wonder why they don't make movies like that anymore don't get me wrong I enjoy movies as much as the next guy but when last did you watch a movie that put moved you every time you watch it? matter of fact when last did you enjoy a movie so much you watched it more than twice purely for an excellent script?

In more interesting and important issues last week Thursday was Jacob Zuma's birthday South Africa's president, the day itself was rather uninteresting besides the awesome weather we were experiencing in Cape Town, (I can just imagine a text message from Robert to Jacob on his birthday "eyi comrade happy birthday may you have many more terms") but the president did announce he was getting married to his fourth wife next weekend. I am not a fan of judging another man's culture so how many wives he chooses to have is completely up to him but like most tax payers I do have a problem with the amount tax payers money used to support his wives, his household alone cost tax payers a whopping R64 million that amount is enough for all of us to cause some serious damage to our Jacob Zuma voodoo dolls (don't lie you know you own one we all do!). Yet with all of this what was the greatest disappointment to me was the fact that he announced this would his last wedding, I was still hoping that despite everything that happens in this country him and Helen "the madam" Zille would hook up over drinks one night get drunk over a bottle of Mqombothi ( Zuma doesn't seem like the wine type) and admit their undeniable love to each other and get married on the spot, I guess that dream is now over ( curse you Jacob pokes Zuma And Zille voodoo dolls) and if you are thinking there was no chance of that happening you obviously live in the wrong country weirder and more comical things have happened in this country; shower heads, Julius, Helen calling Eastern Cape students refugees and dare I say it the appointment of Peter De Villiers as Springbok coach just to mention a few.

Interesting fact for this week just to blow all your minds a little it takes a shorter period of time to cool/freeze boiling water than it does to freeze tap water at room temperature so to those alcoholic individuals if you wake up in the morning and suddenly realize you need ice too cool your beers in 3 hours time when you go over to watch rugby at a mates house who owns a big screen tv and no fridge for some odd reason try cooling your water from the kettle or hot water tap instead.

That's all for this week until next time may you carry on dreaming about unicorns and cab drivers.

 Follow me on twitter  @The_Don_maphz  

So this a blog ermh...

So this is what we do when we are bored and procrastinating from studying instead of going to the gym and actually doing something worthwhile with our lives we sit and write about pretty much nothing useful or in my case attempt to write. Well in case you were wondering this is a blog ermh I guess you already knew that, what I mean to say is that this is a blog about pretty much anything that is worth thinking about from women, to sport, to the best part of the day (that dump in the toilet after a long day yup that one), to those irritating individuals who pretty much feel the need to wake up in the morning and not take a shower before going to school or work in the morning leaving the rest of the world to deal with their smelly selves on an already blue Monday (did I mention my Mondays are virtually free? no? well they are!). If you are expecting a blog filled with vivid imagery and excellent grammar explain the complexities of the hall patch equation or predicting economic trends and how kodak will be bankrupt in 100 years from now when pretty much everyone on this planet will be dead you are sadly mistaken and I regret to inform you that the Sunday times is available on Sundays and you should probably fuck off and go have a read to there, for one my grammar is weak at best and the topics I write about are also well for the average human being who is just well short off a life and would rather read a blog by a nobody well. On a more serious note to those who read I hope you enjoy and tell others to have a read to those who only read once have a good life and I hope you dream about unicorns and cab drivers at night...